The unauthenticated Budget week diaries of John Key and Bill English

John Key: 'I told the children we'd be reading a big blue book in Parliament.' Photo / Mark Mitchell

Today the Government will deliver its first Budget - the first by a National Government since 1999. Claire Trevett presents the unauthenticated diaries of Prime Minister John Key and Finance Minister Bill English from the days leading up to today's announcement.

Monday

Bill:

Cabinet meeting. The others are still whispering and glaring at me for turning down their funding bids. The only one smiling is Tourism Minister John Key after forcing me to backtrack on the $50 million for the cycleway. Standard & Poor's will not be amused. Prime Minister can't find his lucky cufflinks. Just as well I'm not a suspicious Finance Minister.

John:

Post Cabinet press conference went well. I slayed them with my jokes. I told them I was sure Standard & Poor's wouldn't downgrade our credit rating (that wasn't the joke).

* * *

Tuesday

Bill:

Went to printers at Petone to see the printed version of my Budget - the first shiny blue cover after nearly a decade of that icky Labour red. I tell assembled media the blue is "sensible" and "predictable". I hope they picked up on my witty puns with the"Bill" endings. I also point out even the Budget is on a budget - only 2800 copies this time instead of the usual 10,000. I get a warm, fuzzy feeling at my frugality.

The media want to know if I've checked the decimal points to make sure Westpac syndrome has not hit the Budget. I wouldn't mind slipping the decimal point in the deficit over a few zeroes, but scoff at such a suggestion and tell them nobody's bank account is going to be better off after my Budget. I'm also asked how many sleepless nights were in it. I tell them none - show no weakness. Met Standard & Poor's in the afternoon. Two sleepless nights to go.

John:

Question Time went well. Slayed Labour with my jokes. Bill met Standard & Poor's - I hope he told them about all the jobs the cycleway would generate.

* * *

Wednesday

John:

Go to a school in Tawa to read to the children. It went well, I slayed them with my jokes. I told them we'd be reading a big blue book in Parliament soon. There's lots of red inside it, of course, but I tell them not to worry about that - we were sorting it out.

One of the books I read them was called Billy McBrown about a boy who puts socks on his head and tomatoes on his nose and "laughs like a clown". I remember how I made Bill backtrack on the cycleway money and get a warm fuzzy feeling.

Labour is already starting to attack us on "broken promises" after our very subtle hints that the next lots of tax cuts will go. They had the barefaced cheek to hold up my campaign promises sheet with big red crosses marked on it. I fended it off by saying it looked more like Labour's seating plan after the election. But I do worry this will be dubbed the Budget of death by cancelling cuts. Bill isn't helping by saying nobody's bank accounts would be better off after the Budget. He thought he was being funny, but his jokes don't slay them like mine. Head off to look for lucky cufflinks.

Bill:

John Key has gone and told all the media that preventing a credit rating downgrade was the primary goal of the Budget, even though I've repeatedly said it wasn't. The Budget is already printed, so it's too late to take that pesky cycleway off him as punishment. Some good news: he has found his lucky cufflinks. One sleepless night to go.

* This diary is only partially based on real events.