It's an excellent parent who calls the National Poisons Centre not once, but three times, for the same child. I say for the same child because that's how often I have called them for my son. We'll save his sister's story for another time.
The first time, I had taken to a large cockroach with a can of fly spray. It was taking ages to die and we were going out so I covered it with a paper towel and forgot about it.
Later I heard my son, then 11 months old, gagging. I checked him. He was fine. But a little later I looked at him and wondered what was on his chin. It was a cockroach leg. I went to check the remains and found all that was left was another leg. He had eaten the entire cockroach - minus two legs. I wasn't worried about the roach, more the chemicals I had doused it with. I called the Poisons Centre. The person on the other end of the line reassured me, and all was fine.
I stopped worrying about how small I cut his food after that. If he can eat a chewy cockroach, he can eat a piece of steak.
About six months later, I found him gagging repeatedly and frothing at the mouth.
I frantically scanned the room for clues in between staring into his terrified big blue eyes as I lied and repeatedly told him "it's okay". Then I spied a bottle of foaming hand soap on the floor.
Instantly relieved at not having to dislodge a small object from his throat, I phoned the Poisons Centre again. I was told the soap was not toxic but not to give him any water as that could make it more foamy. They said he should be okay. At the end, they asked me for my name and number and details about my son.
I imagined a screen popping up with beeping and red alerts flashing "repeat caller, repeat caller" so I blurted out, guiltily, "It's not the first time I've called."
The third time I called could have been much more serious. I was packing to go away and put two small bottles of paracetamol and ibuprofen by my suitcase. I later found the bottle of ibuprofen - with its childproof lid off - beside our bed.
With no idea how much he had consumed - if any - I called my friends at the Poisons Centre again. I'm deliberately being vague on details on this one because I don't want anyone thinking an overdose is okay, but we were lucky - again. I will be forever checking the medicine lids are secure and the medicines remain out of reach.
As I said to them on the phone: "Just some more great parenting by me."
The call taker responded with some much-needed kindness: "That's what we're here for."