Did you ever keep a diary when you were a kid?
If you made the brutal mistake of throwing it out, be sure to encourage your next generation of offspring to hold onto theirs for all it's worth.
As the internet has recently learnt from 16-year-old Madie Cardon, they can be worth a lot. At least, in the form of brief viral fame.
The 16-year-old Utah teenager recently tweeted excerpts from the diary she kept in 2008, when she was seven years old. The post has instantly gone global, with more than 18,000 retweets so far.
found my diary from when I was 7 I'm dying?????? pic.twitter.com/M57wJhsmFd— ?adie (@madiecardon) May 16, 2016
Here's what we've learnt from young Madie: growing up is a brutal, brutal time. It is sink or swim, and no one - not even children - are safe from the perils of romance.
So, let's break this tragic tale down bit by bit.
Strap yourselves in for a tale of heartbreak, devastation, and gut-wrenching Mean Girls malevolence.
In her first piece of artful prose, seven-year-old Madie wrote: "Today at school my crush Riley was chasing other girls on the playground! I thought he liked me. And guess who he was chasing! Jessica! She is such a player! She hugs at least five boys every day! I am so mad at her."
Urgh. Stupid Jessica. We all know at least one. Now while in 2016, hug-shaming is really not politically correct, Madie is clearly upset, so we'll let her have this one.
On the plus side, this sassy young lady had a vicious plan up her sleeve to win her man back.
"I think I will tell Riley her secret. She wears pull ups! After he finds out he won't like her anymore."
YES! A vicious plan for love! Madie's got this in the bag!
But then... we fast-forward to the next day. Valentine's Day of all days.
Madie's love is still pure, but her heartbreak has gotten worse. She has fallen into a spiral of depression and devastation.
"I made Riley a Valentine," she writes. "Me and Katelyn stayed up all night making it. Before Riley got to school, I put it in his desk (number 22). When he got to school, he looked in his desk and found my box. I wrote anomious (sic) on it so he didn't now (sic) it was from me."
YES! See, this is the stuff high-end romance flicks are made of! With the help of her sister, Madie is claiming back what's hers! Madie is going to WIN this boy's heart! Madie is going to STICK IT to that skanky, skanky boy-hugging Jessica.
But then... a sudden bout of inconceivable tragedy.
Right when he looked at it, she said Riley threw it away.
"I am still crying," she writes, adding that she now has depression. As do we all, our hearts breaking alongside our almighty heroine.
And now, ladies and gentlemen... we bring you to the conclusion.
Be warned: it is a sad, violent ending for our almighty queen. It is the ending to trump all endings - the death of Mufasa, Dobby, and Jack Dawson rolled into one.
That's right, folks. Riley outright rejected Madie for Homewrecking, Boy-Hugging Jessica. From this moment on, nothing will ever be the same.
Madie will forever be the Dolly Parton to her Jolene. The Hillary Clinton to her Monica Lewinsky. The Emma-Thompson-In-Love-Actually to that young secretary with the weird goth haircut who stole her husband.
Alas, Madie knew she could never win this.
And so, she tragically writes, "I am done with boys. I want to kill all of them."
That's what heartbreak will do to you, folks.
Madie reportedly moved away from the school (probably because of the Riley-Jessica love triangle, but that is yet to be confirmed), so she hasn't been in contact with either of them in years.
But those in the know have tagged the pair on Twitter, which Madie has retweeted from her account.
Riley's current girlfriend, Haley Powell, even got in on it, sharing a snap of the former heartbreaker, all grown up with a new haircut: