NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Jem Beedoo: Take me to the river, or lake, just not the beach

NZ Herald
26 Nov, 2012 04:30 PM3 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

In NZL it's not uncommon to be a surfer, an avid sailor or swimmer, especially since our country is entirely water-locked. Photo / Richard Robinson

In NZL it's not uncommon to be a surfer, an avid sailor or swimmer, especially since our country is entirely water-locked. Photo / Richard Robinson

Opinion by

In NZL it's not uncommon to be a surfer, an avid sailor or swimmer, especially since our country is entirely water-locked. The many manifestations of being the last are fascinating and diverse.

An ocean swim, for instance, is okay insofar as one doesn't mind the beach. Not to be snidely cynical again, but there is a school of thought in New Zealand that renounces the phenomenon of the beach altogether, and I'm it.

Once one hits the water, it's a majestic feeling. But you have to put up with a great deal on the way. You have to endure the complete lack of shade, the oily, sweaty sunscreen feel of your skin, the leering scowling mobs of teenage terrors debauched by bourbon, the footballs, cricket balls, tennis balls, volley balls and rugby balls flying hour upon hour around your nervous head and, lest we forget, the clingy, niggly sand.

Sand is just hideous in its unceremonious stickiness. How people can consent to lay on it for hours baffles me. It stings. Once you're swimming in the sea, it's great, but I wouldn't know because I never go.

A wharf swim is a kick if you like your kicks. You can do all kinds of tricks and backflips. Wharf people are more accommodating as they take themselves less seriously than beach people. And you don't have to muck around laying out your towel and bother with eating a warm substandard sandwich at the wharf, as you do at a beach.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Furthermore, wharf culture is far more exuberant than beach culture as people are genuinely thrilled to be making a splash. You can jump once or 100 times and no one will judge you. Everyone judges you on a beach, as there's nothing whatever else to do. It's a sun-baked fashion show with corpse-like, sunglassed eyes locked firmly on you. In fact, beach culture is so full of blank-faced humourless hangovers and wetsuited twerps running about with kites, it's disgusting. Alas, someone once erroneously told everyone an ocean swim will cure a hangover and so everyone flocks to the beach.

A spa or a "hot swim", as my grandmother calls it, is too good to be true, it really is. I mean it's a bath outdoors with mates and cold drinks and kingly laziness. The only place to experience what Austin Powers would call "extreeeeme relaxation". There's privacy otherwise unobtainable during a hot swim. You can be yourself during a Jacuzzi, and you aren't going to be leered or sneered at, you're not going to feel salty at the skin, and you're not going to have to bother with sandwiches and second-rate strawberries. No, you'll be too busy getting cosy with a chilled sweet ginger beer.

A lake swim is entirely pleasing in that if you're a physical risk-taker you can jump out of trees into it. There is no greater love than to plunge out of a booming, pluming pohutukawa into a salt-free Rotorua-styled lake.

There's plenty of space to privately frolic and starfish if you can actually swim, unlike a beach where people are packed into the shore-break area for fear of largely non-existent sharks.

An outdoor pool swim is for kids and barbecues. Being a vegetarian uncle, this certainly isn't my domain. Take me to the river, put me in the water. A river swim is good if you can actually swim and don't mind the thrill of flipping off a riverbank into the rushing Whanganui water. It can get mighty cold, but only females, Kate Winslet and painters worry about water temperature, so there you go.

Discover more

Opinion

Jem Beedoo: Listen up because you may just learn something

16 Oct 04:30 PM
Opinion

Jem Beedoo: Galumphers to slopers, we know what you're up to

22 Oct 04:30 PM
Opinion

Jem Beedoo: How loneliness can thrive in the concrete jungle

24 Oct 04:30 PM
Opinion

Jem Beedoo: Let's hear it for the boys, let's give them all a song

29 Oct 04:30 PM
Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Lifestyle

Your ultimate guide to Auckland's arts and culture this weekend

11 Jul 05:00 PM
Lifestyle

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

11 Jul 07:27 AM
Premium
Lifestyle

'It's not about being powerless': Experts explain submissive kink amid Sabrina Carpenter backlash

11 Jul 07:00 AM

Get your kids involved in your reno

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

Your ultimate guide to Auckland's arts and culture this weekend

Your ultimate guide to Auckland's arts and culture this weekend

11 Jul 05:00 PM

Baby, it’s cold outside, but Auckland’s arts and culture calendar is heating up.

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

Macca's confirms rumour of fan favourite's return after eagle-eyed Kiwis spot error

11 Jul 07:27 AM
Premium
'It's not about being powerless': Experts explain submissive kink amid Sabrina Carpenter backlash

'It's not about being powerless': Experts explain submissive kink amid Sabrina Carpenter backlash

11 Jul 07:00 AM
Premium
I’m a longevity doctor. These are my daily habits to stay young

I’m a longevity doctor. These are my daily habits to stay young

11 Jul 06:00 AM
Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP