"So how do you know the bride or groom?" an older man and his wife ask me while we wait in line for the bathroom in a church hall.
"I'm the bride's hairdresser," I nod, even though I don't know the bride or the groom and I certainly shouldn't be allowed to hold scissors near other people's faces.
I don't know anyone at this wedding. But in all fairness the bride and groom don't even know each other. They've been paired by experts for Married At First Sight and will willingly let a television crew follow them on this poorly made life choice.
There's a chance they could find true love - or, at the very least, an unfortunate face they make will be immortalised in a GIF.
Either way, only fabulous things can come from this decision. Plus, I was told there'd be food.
Before I get too comfortable in the false identity I've assumed and suggest foils to the old lady in front of me, she walks inside the bathroom.
It's a sunny Wednesday morning in October and I should absolutely be in the office instead of at a church in west Sydney attending the wedding of two people who don't even know each other.
"Hey I won't be in till real late tomorrow. I have to go to a stranger's wedding. I'll be in when I'm in," I wrote in an email the previous day to my editor, who accepted the reason for my absence with an unusual lack of questions.
What went to air? Our full MAFS episode 3 recap
The invitation lists a strict 10.45am arrival time. While I've shown up late to actual family members' weddings, I make sure to arrive early - mainly because I don't want to be caught on film busting into the church mid-wedding and have producers edit me into the episode as the villain that objected to the happy couple and then have to write a recap about myself and turn my own stupid face into a meme.
So I arrive on time, get my name ticked off on a clipboard by a producer, trip over a production cable and find a seat.
When the groom, Simon, finally enters, the bride's side sizes him up. I join in the murmurs with no one in particular about Simon's perm.
The bridesmaids - wearing black dresses with stylish mic packs taped to their thighs - walk down the aisle in complete silence. No music. No organ. This ceremony will be done in absolute silence and producers will add music afterwards. It makes the atmosphere even more uncomfortable.
"Hello everyone. My name is Angela Finn and I'm a civil marriage celebrant," the woman at the front of the church says into a microphone.
She smiles. She pauses. She looks to a producer on the side.
"Hello everyone. My name is Angela Finn and I'm a civil marriage celebrant," she repeats, exactly the same as before.
There will be a lot of second takes today.
When the bride, Alene, finally makes an entrance, we stare at her as she nervously walks down the aisle in complete silence to marry a man she doesn't know.
Both families look apprehensive. I look exhilarated, taking in the ill-fated life decisions that are unravelling before me.
During the ceremony, none of the drama that featured prominently in Wednesday night's episode is noticeable. Alene's dissatisfaction with Simon's looks wasn't known. No one was aware the psychic bridesmaid disapproved of Simon - despite the face-pulling and irritated monologues that made it to air.
After the vows, the celebrant craps on about how Married At First Sight is a legitimate way to meet people before she asks the crowd if we accept the union of Simon and Alene.
"We do!" I enthusiastically lead the response, with noticeably more pep than the families I'm surrounded by.
Simon and Alene kiss and walk back down the aisle.
But it's not done.
"Hi everyone, if you could hang on for a second we're just going to be shooting that ceremony again," the celebrant tells us. Sitting through one wedding ceremony for people you actually know is painful. So news of the reshoot is received like a punishment.
"OK guys, three, two and action!" a producer calls out as I wonder if Jesus is up in the sky on a cloud, looking down, making a mental note of who's involved in the scientific charade that's unfolding inside his church. I remind myself I'm just an innocent hairdresser with no direct ties to this situation.
Alene walks down the aisle and "meets Simon for the first time" again.
It's in one of these reshoots Simon tells her the awful line: "I think I've seen you somewhere before anyway ... in my dreams."
They reshoot the kiss, walk down the aisle again and a producer yells: "Guess what, we're finished!"
It's 1.20pm in the afternoon. And everyone in the church cheers louder than when Simon and Alene were pronounced husband and wife.
Catch Married At First Sight on TV3 Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights.