Paul Casserly 's Opinion

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: TV's best quotes - 'I hotboxed the Camry'

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Paul Casserly wraps up July's television highlights with his top 10 favourite quotes.
Mike Hosking, Louis CK and Roy Cropper (David Neilson) from Coronation Street - who said what?
Mike Hosking, Louis CK and Roy Cropper (David Neilson) from Coronation Street - who said what?

July has come and gone like a heavy cold that you try to pass off as the flu. Planes have been dropping out of the sky, Ebola has returned, wars rage, and Colin Craig's mesmerizing eyes stare out from those billboards and into our very souls. He knows there's only darkness in there.

TV has not been helping. The wonderful Utopia has taken my levels of paranoia to new heights, while the constant flow of crabmeat and crème fraîche on My Kitchen Rules has me feeling as if I'm caught in a televisual loop. I want to run screaming but the Greek twins will only drag me back, chop me up and serve me as delicious dolmades.

I've laughed and snorted at the most absurd comedy thanks to the misguided missile that is Jonah from Tonga, (Comedy Central) and an unpredictable scud called The Late Night Big Breakfast. I have even found a way to digest the insane witterings of Mike Hosking and Toni Street on Seven Sharp.

It makes sense if you consider it performance art. David Cunliffe has missed a trick. He should insist on Hosking and Toni for the leaders debates. The worm would explode.

Some premium local stuff came our way in July, Erebus: Operation Overdue (TV1) was simply superb, the Hauraki doco was a blast, and Nigel Latta's latest outing (TV1 Tuesdays 9.30pm) proves that we don't mind dealing with the big issues in primetime, on the state broadcaster.

And, despite everyone sounding the traditional horn of disillusion in the run up to the Commonwealth Games, it's been brilliant viewing. I've dropped a few shows, Penny Dreadful fell away, but Bates Motel, Masters of Sex (Soho) and The Good Wife (TV3) continue to reward. And, as we get closer to the election, Patrick Gower's high voltage reports on 3 News are appointment viewing.

And, as ever, grown ups continue to say the darndest things.

Here's 10 TV quotes that caught my ear, with who said them below:

The quotes:

1. "I hotboxed the Camry. Yeah, it wasn't so bad."
2. "You know you love someone when you share your innermost secret racism with them."
3. "You're a very... pleasant looking woman, with a lively intellect."
4. "It's certainly filling in the time between now and death."
5. "I wish I was old enough so I could swear, and then the bleepy thing would come on."
6. "I get the Pope, but Gary f****** Busey? How did he make the cut?"
7. "Everyone reckons Twitter, but I'm thinking Tinder."
8. "Using a BBQ is very therapeutical."
9. "It stands for automatic tampax remover."
10. "My commitment is for Jihad, for the Allah and his messenger."

And who said them:

1. "I hotboxed the Camry. Yeah, it wasn't so bad."
The times, they are a-changin. Those words were from Young Nat's President Sean Topham talking on Backbenches (Prime) about the first time he smoked marijuana. The exchange went like this:

WALLACE CHAPMAN: Walk us through the first time you did it?
SEAN TOPMAN: "I hotboxed the Camry. Yeah, it wasn't so bad."
WC: What?
ST: I hotboxed the car. The Toyota Camry. Good Times.
(laughter)

2. "You know you love someone when you share your innermost secret racism with them."
From the latest series of the wonderful Louis (Comedy Central) - in the episode in which his daughter jumps off the subway train because she thought she was dreaming. Meanwhile Requiem for a Dream star Ellen Bursten was stuck in a lift.

3. "You're a very... pleasant looking woman, with a lively intellect!"
Said John Key to Judith Collins? Hang on, sorry, it was in fact Roy Cropper (David Neilson) to the creepy Mary (Pattie Clare) on Coronation Street.

4. "It's certainly filling in the time between now and death."
Self-saucing cinema legend Peter Greenaway describes filmmaking on Newsnight. (BBC WORLD) In the interview we learnt that the great director plans to kill himself if he lives till 80. "I live in Holland where euthanasia is not a dirty word, and I can't think of anyone who has done anything valuable after 80." Really, no one? "Well, Tolstoy died when he was 82, but he'd virtually given up writing."

5. "I wish I was old enough so I could swear, and then the bleepy thing would come on."
Lisa, a sick girl on Campbell Live vents her frustration at three women who stole the money her dad was collecting for her to go on a trip. CCTV footage showed the (Bleeeep)ing (Bleeep)heads making off with the jar of cash, but Lisa and her dad got the last laugh as Campbell Live viewers passed around the hat and came up with several thousand dollars.

6. "I get the Pope, but Gary f****** Busey? How did he make the cut?"
Said Leftovers (Soho) star Justin Theroux (as Kevin Garvey) as the news ran pictures of eminent people who had disappeared and had possibly been taken up to heaven or whatever has happened to them and the rest of the missing 2 percent of the population. Is the show any good? Yes. It's great. It takes a few episodes but there's plenty of memorable moments and perplexing delights to be had. This is a journey rather than destination affair. A Lost for grown-ups perhaps?

7. "Everyone reckons Twitter but I'm thinking Tinder."
The times they are a-changin part two. Young Farmer of The Year contestant, Dean Rabbige, discusses his approach to the task of "advocating for agriculture in a social media environment".

8. "Using a BBQ is very therapeutical."
My Kitchen Rules once again proving the notion that language is an ever-evolving thing, thanks to one of the Greek twins.

9. "What's the ATR button?" asked Mike Hosking. Toni Street - reading what I'm guessing was a prank email - replied, "automatic tampax remover". The writer of the email was re-telling the well-worn gag about pushing a button marked ATR in a Japanese toilet and then waking up in hospital. The punch line being, "and your penis is under the pillow".

10. "My commitment is for Jihad, for Allah and his messenger."
We were okay with Sonny Bill Williams fasting for Ramadan but kiwi Mark Taylor, who is in Syria fighting against Assad, takes it up a notch with his Jihadi Youtube clip.

Paul Casserly

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

Read more by Paul Casserly

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