Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

Paul Casserly: Let's get slap-happy

Blogger Paul Casserly takes aim at all the TV shows and characters that he thinks deserve a decent slap.

Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic from Castle. Photo / Supplied
Nathan Fillion and Stana Katic from Castle. Photo / Supplied

Following on from HD, surround sound and 3D, experts* now predict that something called "Slap-a-Vision" will be the next grand innovation in television viewing.

Via a USB glove, it will allow viewers to slap annoying TV stars who will appear to react and make a noise - like a slight whine or whimper.

I can't wait and already have some TV people lined up that I'd like to slap. Like everyone on Downton Abbey (except for Maggie Smith), and the cast of Two Broke Girls (TV2 Tuesday, 8pm).

I'd give the cast of Girls (Soho, Thursday 9pm) a high-five - especially writer and star Lena Dunham.

Jimmy Iovine on American Idol deserves one. Coldplay also deserved a good slap for their silly costumes the other night. They're being dressed by their mothers.

The mean-spirited Aussie border guards on Border Patrol - not the nice Kiwi ones who might accidentally read this column and put me on some sort of list.

But seriously, how can a country that was founded by Irish criminals be so mean to Thais who only want to come and do the work that lazy Australians can't be bothered with?

Paula Bennett. There she was on Campbell Live basically wanting to neuter beneficiaries as if they were randy moggies. Slap.

Sue Bradford. There she was on Close Up moaning about the plan to neuter beneficiaries as if they were randy moggies. Surely she was the one who outlawed beating some sense into these randy moggies in the first place?

Colin Craig. The conservative leader basically referred to New Zealand ladies as sluts as he quoted a Durex survey in an anti-contraception rant. He's on the TV news, so plug in the glove - he's up for a slap.

Joffery Baratheon from Game of Thrones. (Soho Monday 8.30) We always knew he was a nasty piece of work but he's really pushing the boundaries of evilness, the tweeny psychopath that he is.

Not since Ritchie Aprile on The Sopranos has there been such a brilliantly appalling depiction of humanity. His character is from less politically correct times, so he probably was slapped as a baby.

Any of the bosses on Undercover Boss (TV1, Wednesday 8.30) These self-made blow-hards really get me going, in their stupid wigs, sneaking around hassling their staff.

I'd also like to slap their stupid staff who should know that when you come across some middle-aged guy in your workplace wearing a wig, it's probably your boss.

When someone says things like: "When I built this brand from nothing I was working so hard at growing the business that I lost focus that my high standards of service were not being met throughout my company."

They need a slap.

Having said that, the boss on this week's show actually handed out some pretty good treats after the reveal, paying off school loans, hospital bills and mortgages.

He made a dude cry! Usually they just look pained, like someone on Antiques Roadshow whose treasured family heirloom is only worth $12.80.

Everyone on Castle. I finally watched Castle and it was both better and worse than I had pegged it. My 'pegging' was not entirely scientific, as it was based on fast-forwarding through the ad breaks and catching a glimpse of the promo that bookends said ad-breaks.

Through these brief encounters I felt that I knew Castle. He's the smug self-saucing type, cheeky but not a complete prick, but he definitely needs a slap. I had guessed correctly that it would not be a deeply layered affair but it is kind of fun (I mean if you had to watch something and it was on, and you'd had a few dry white wines, Castle will do. BTW, white wine is cool again thanks to Bored To Death).

The episode I saw seemed to be a complete rip of the film Kick Ass, but at least it didn't suck as much ass as most of the other humourless police procedurals. The show knows that it's nonsense.

The female co-star of Castle (TV1, 9.30 Wednesday) is interesting. It may seem harsh to say that she lacks charm, but it's actually worse than that. Detective Kate Beckett (Stana Katic) isn't likeable. I'm sure this will be crushing news to her but I am somewhat happy to learn that I'm not alone.

Salon's TV writer Willa Paskin has also written about this minging detective.

"The consistently rated Castle has gained quite a following, despite the fact that Katic makes the main character on Bones, who is supposed to fall somewhere on the autism spectrum, seem emotionally intuitive and empathic."

Maybe she just needs a gentle slap to cheer her up.

* Okay, so when I said experts predict that "Slap-a-vision" is on the way what I really meant was that I have been doing some tests at home with a gardening glove and some stuff I picked up from Jaycar.

Get the news delivered straight to your inbox

Receive the day’s news, sport and entertainment in our daily email newsletter

Paul Casserly watched too much TV as a child.

It began with Dr Who, in black and white, when it was actually scary. The addiction took hold with Chips, in colour. He made his mum knit a Starsky and Hutch cardigan. Later, Twin Peaks would blow what was left of his mind. He’s been working in radio and TV since the 1990s and has an award in his pool room for Eating Media Lunch.

Read more by Paul Casserly

Have your say

1200 characters left

By and large our readers' comments are respectful and courteous. We're sure you'll fit in well.
View commenting guidelines.

Sort by
  • Oldest

© Copyright 2017, NZME. Publishing Limited

Assembled by: (static) on production bpcf03 at 25 May 2017 14:50:43 Processing Time: 762ms