I could be the next PM of the UK
As the British parliament muddles its way through the Brexit debacle like a blindfolded person trying to stick the tail on a donkey, the Prime Minister, Theresa May has tried against all odds to get parliament to agree on something, anything to get Brexit sorted as the deadline for exiting the EU looms.
While May fiddles and the UK economy burns, some ambitious Tories are in true political power- seeking mode and eyeing up the Prime Minister's job.
A quick scan of the list of those jockeying for No 10 Downing Street made it clear that I am indeed well qualified for the role.
1. I have a suit and have been known to wear a tie
2. I have told fewer lies that most of them. The few lies I have told have been high quality falsehoods that have not threatened to bring chaos to an entire nation. (Unlike many of the Brexiters who seem to have a reckless disregard for the truth)
3. I could masquerade as a Tory Toff. I went to a good private school. (I was nearly expelled for kissing a girl in the bell tower but that's another story)
4. My family are sort of landed gentry – I grew up on a farm. When I when to France I discovered I was actually a peasant
5. I can speak posh and say things like 'I say chaps that's not cricket' if and when required
6. I think Brexit is a good reason to have citizenship in a European country so that when it goes wrong, I will be alright.
Minor problem – I am not eligible to stand for parliament in the UK but let's compare my list to that of Tory Party hopefuls waiting for Theresa May to resign as Prime Minister.
First off the rank - Boris Johnson. He has been conniving to secure the top job for a long time.
For some reason even his obvious incompetence has not held him back. He has taken the Dunning Kruger effect to a new high or low depending on which way you look at it. ("The Dunning–Kruger effect is a cognitive bias in which people of low ability have illusory superiority and mistakenly assess their cognitive ability as greater than it is") In his case, any intelligence is diverted into cunning. He told massive whoppers during the Brexit campaign and now pretends it was some sort of hilarious jab. He is not fit to run a motorway toilet stop let alone a country.
Jeremy Hunt only asset, according to pundits, is being an example of an arch conservative establishment figure and the only real buffer to hold back the naked ambitions of Johnson.
Another name being talked about is Dominic Raab. He is regarded as a staunch brexiteer whose main strategy has been described as keeping stumm and making the least number of mistakes as possible. That approach will not be very use when it comes to leading a nation in chaos.
Sajid Javid the current Home Secretary is a possible although his efforts to promote panic and fear when a very small number of immigrants tried to reach Britain by boat will mean people will be very reluctant to believe anything he says.
Amber Rudd could be a contender but being strongly in favour of remaining in the EU (sensible person) would put her offside with many of her fellow MP's.
The Brexit sideshow will go on and on. We will see a parade of politicians who seem to have no interest in their country only their own ambition. Even I could do better than that. Tallyho chaps.
Terry Sarten (aka Tel) is a writer, musician and fake Tory.