Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of Donald Trump

REMOTE CONTROL: Donald Trump ... putting out fires in New Zealand with American water.

MONDAY

We are making incredible progress. Only this morning we successfully located four light switches in the White House, and by the way I would appreciate it if Obama could call and tell us where he left the remote.

He left the White House in a terrible mess. Dishes not done, dishes piling up, dishes everywhere. He left behind some very bad dishes.

We have some of our best people washing the dishes and scrubbing the floors, the White House is not actually all that white, stains, maybe some of them blood, I don't know, it wouldn't surprise me, Obama looks a bit like OJ Simpson in a certain light, but many, many hands make light, light work and very soon we will get the White House looking like the Coliseum.

Meanwhile the progress we are making in world affairs is incredible. It's so incredible that it's simply not credible.

I have personally spoken to all the world leaders, we have called all of them, Australia, Australia didn't go so well, but New Zealand went extremely well.

Obama briefed me on New Zealand's president, he said we have a lot in common, golf, golf is one of his passions, Obama said they'd played together in Hawaii and he really rated him very highly as a caddy. So I called him and I said, "What's your handicap?"

And he said, "I suppose my biggest handicap is that I'm widely perceived as the interim prime minister. I seem to lack genuine leadership qualities and part of the problem is that I'm boring. I don't altogether think that's fair. Furthermore - "

I put him on speaker, and went to Florida. He was still there when I got back.

TUESDAY

The thing about the light switches - they're not, they're not where you would expect - you would expect light switches to be on the walls, wall switches, we've all seen them, they go up, they go down, they have a pretty limited repertoire - but the White House, there are a lot of walls in the White House, and by the way I told you I would build a wall, the wall is being built right now, it will probably be finished before I reach the end of this sentence, but I cannot guarantee this sentence will end, or will even know if it has. Ended.

WEDNESDAY

We are making incredible progress on the dishes, and I found the remote. I sat in the dark and watched Fox for a while, and kept it on while we held a meeting about world affairs, and someone mentioned something about a fire out of control in New Zealand.

I said, "Get New Zealand on the line. I want to see if we can help."

They found a number for someone called Gerry who is the minister for Civil Defence, and passed me the phone.

It rang and a sleepy voice picked up. I said, "Gerry?"

He said, "You've got to be kidding. Call me in the morning."

THURSDAY

We called New Zealand in the morning and this time I got put through to the president.

I said, "We have the best choppers in the world. Many, many good choppers. We can even bring our own monsoon buckets loaded with American water. How many choppers would you like?"

He said, "Thank you, but we can't fit any more helicopters in the sky."

I said, "Then what you need is more sky."

I put him on hold and got our best people onto it.

FRIDAY

We put out the fires in New Zealand and not one house was lost. Not a single tree went up in flames.

But the press don't report that. Fox TV might report that, but I don't know, because we've lost the remote.