Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary about Jacinda Ardern

New Labour Party deputy leader Jacinda Ardern

BILL ENGLISH

As interim Prime Minister, I have identified a number of issues which are facing New Zealanders and the most troubling of all is Jacinda Ardern.

It's hard to fathom it but she appears to be popular, well-liked, and well-regarded in ways that the likes of Nick Smith, Gerry Brownlee, Judith Collins and myself are not.

Nick said to me, "Well, Bill, I like you."

I said, "Thank you, Nick. I like you, too. Your eyes are so blue they're practically swimmable."

Gerry said to me, "Well, Bill, I like you."

I said, "Thank you, Gerry."

Judith said to me, "Didn't anyone tell you to stand up when a lady enters the room?"

I stood up, and she took my chair.

Anyway. New Zealanders ought to wake up and realise Ms Ardern is all style and no substance. She doesn't actually stand for anything. She has no legacy. I mean she's no John Key.

I told caucus that we must find someone credible to lead the attack.

Caucus said I was asking too much of them, and that Nikki Kaye would have to do.

NIKKI KAYE

Jacinda Ardern is all about the billboard. If there's a billboard, Jacinda Ardern will be on it.

You couldn't move in Mt Albert recently for billboards of Jacinda Ardern. There were more billboards of Jacinda Ardern than there were for McDonald's and Burger King. So in effect Jacinda Ardern is the fast food of New Zealand politics, and I don't think it's drawing too long a bow to warn voters that Jacinda Ardern will lead to obesity.

I have always stood for policies. Jacinda Ardern has always been about making it personal. And when you look up at all those billboards of Jacinda Ardern, and you see her soft-skinned face and her long beautiful hair and her round doe-like eyes, it's enough to make you sick.

I think what we all ought to do is just stop talking about Jacinda Ardern.

BILL ENGLISH

I said to Paula, "Would you please lead the attack?"

PAULA BENNETT

Nikki Kaye, if we are to believe the deputy leader of the Labour Party, did not actually mean it when she made her quite reasonable and certainly very reasoned remarks.

That is just so condescending of Little Miss Muffet.

No doubt she would rather I call her Little Ms Muffet, because I'm sure that's what they defer to her in her narrow little PC world of liberals and luvvies.

Well, I'm not in the least bit impressed by the member for Mt Albert, and I'm going to call her out for accusing Nikki of not meaning the things she said about her.

Of course Nikki meant them. I can vouch for that. Because I was with Nikki when we all sat around with her and drafted her comments.

We even went to the trouble of asking, "Are you okay with this?"

And she said, "I mean every word of what you have written for me."

Do your condescending somewhere else, Lady Muffet!

BILL ENGLISH

I can't believe no one attacked her over the revelation she installed her own toilet.

GERRY BROWNLEE

As a former carpenter, I want to question Jacinda Ardern on whether she followed correct procedures when she installed her toilet.

Did she drill a 10mm mounting hole, then install the washer and insert the hexagonal screw into the bracket? Did she then install the sleeves, and attach the caps?

The wider question is whether she is heeding the Auckland water crisis by only flushing when absolutely necessary.

The National Party will continue to keep a close watch on Jacinda Ardern.