Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of Simon Bridges

COMMENT:

MONDAY

One thing I always admired about John Key was his habit of closing the door, unscrewing his head, and letting it float up to the ceiling.

I still remember the look on his face as his weightless head ballooned in space. He looked at peace. It was though he not only didn't have a single care in the world, he didn't have a single thought in his head.

Sure, it was JK's way of unwinding, but it had an important symbolic meaning, too. He was making an important statement. He was saying: this is who I truly am.

It's had a huge influence on me as leader of the National Party.

That's why there's nothing I like better than to close the door, unscrew my head, and place it on a stick.

It's not a pretty sight! It's kind of gory, and more than a little bit edgy. It's got a pretty heavy vibe of death about it, you could say.

But hey. It's how I roll.

TUESDAY

I had a feeling something wasn't quite right the second I arrived to give a press conference about Jami-Lee Ross.

All I wanted to do was point out that his decision to take leave for health reasons was not related in any way to our ongoing and very important investigation into who leaked my expenses.

But everyone was looking at me a bit strangely even before I said anything.

That feeling intensified as I went on to describe Jami-Lee's private and personal issues as "perhaps actually embarrassing", and then "a lot embarrassing, potentially".

I walked back to my office afterwards with deputy leader Paula Bennett, and said, "Did you get the feeling that didn't go very well?"

She looked down at the floor.

I said, "Was it my choice of words?"

She said, "Well, that, and..."

I said, "And what?"

She said, "Well – you know that thing JK used to do with his head? We all knew about it, but he kept it private, behind closed doors."

"I don't know where you're going with this," I said, and went to scratch my head – but it wasn't on my shoulders.

I said, "Do you think anyone noticed?"

She looked down at the floor.

WEDNESDAY

Political commentator Chris Trotter must have noticed. He went on The AM Show this morning and said that I have "the smell of death".

It's not helping that the weather is getting warmer. I wish the flies would stop buzzing around my head.

THURSDAY

I gave a press conference in Tauranga and had no choice than to front with my head on a stick. It's got stuck there since Tuesday.

But I think I did a pretty good job of clearing up any confusion over the Jami-Lee Ross situation. Yes, I said, someone claiming to be the leaker warned me that he or she had mental health issues, but that's nothing to do with Jami-Lee. That's just, you know, one of those things. And, by the way, I regret describing his situation as "embarrassing". That might have been a poor choice of words. I realise that.

All in all, I thought the press conference went pretty well.

FRIDAY

A wide, flat parcel arrived for me today, beautifully gift-wrapped, with a ribbon.

The card read, "Something to ease the burden." The signature had got smudged but I think it was from Judith.

I opened it up and looked at my reflection on a silver platter.