Steve Braunias: Secret Diary of... Donald Trump

Kim Jong Un and Donald Trump have made peace. Photo / Getty Images

MONDAY

I wish Justin Trudeau all the best, we've met each other on many, many occasions, the first time at the East Asia Summit in Vietnam last year, where I was introduced to his partner, Jacinda Ardern. I have to say he's done very well for himself, good-looking woman, their baby must be due any minute.

So, anyway, I have a good relationship with Justin. A close and beautiful friendship. And that's why I feel betrayed that he held a news conference and made hurtful comments, gave provocative statements, said mean things.

He probably assumed I wasn't watching it because I was in an aeroplane. Well, Justin doesn't know that Air Force One has about 20 televisions. Actually more like 50 televisions. There's a television in the cockpit. Air Force One employs the best pilots in the world, but the computer does everything, the pilots need to stay awake just in case so we have Fox News, we have the shark channel, the high definition is beautiful, it's like the shark is driving the plane.

And there was Justin at his news conference saying the US tariffs are "kind of insulting" and Canada "will not be pushed around".

He will learn that is going to cost a lot of money for the people of Canada. Because you can't do that. You just can't do that. To turn around like that, as soon as my back was turned, and say those things, it's very weak, it's very dishonest, it's not very nice.

Canada feels "insulted", and "will not be pushed around" – you know, I am sick and tired of world leaders who make sweeping statements.

TUESDAY

There is no longer a nuclear threat from North Korea.

I met with Kim Jong Un, who was very open, very honourable, very smart, very worthy, very talented.

I said, "I could use a man like you."

He gave an inscrutable smile and said something to his interpreter.

When all the press had gone, and all the photo opportunities were over, I sidled up to the interpreter and asked what Kim had said to him.

He said, "Nothing."

I shook his hand. He felt the bankroll, and put it in his pocket.

He whispered, "The Supreme Leader said, 'That's a coincidence! I'm using you right now'."

WEDNESDAY

Flew home from Singapore. There was a lot of paperwork to go through from the summit with Kim, but I had more important things to attend to.

I got in-flight Wi-Fi working, and wrote on Twitter, "Robert De Niro, a very Low IQ individual, has received to many shots to the head by real boxers in movies. Wake up Punchy!"

THURSDAY

Typo in yesterday's tweet. Deleted it, and wrote, "Robert De Niro, a very Low IQ individual, has received too many shots to the head by real boxers in movies. Wake up Punchy!"

FRIDAY

Figured the world owed me a day off so spent the day on the greens at Mar-a-Lago. I asked staff to hold all calls unless a world leader wanted to get hold of me.

"For you, sir," an aide said, on the ninth hole.

"President Trump," I said, taking the phone.

"Winston Peters," the caller said. "I'm the Prime Minister of New Zealand."

I hung up and said to the aide, "I thought I told you. Only world leaders."