Positively beating tough times

Kristen Hamling

Have you met the "no pain no gain" person yet? When you are having a really rough day and they try to perk you up with platitudes such as "if you don't have the bad days, then you can't appreciate the good ones" and "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

Don't you just want to slap them a bit, or is that just me? All I really want at that moment is a hug, to be offered a glass of wine and to chat.

Sometimes there are days when life just isn't great, even bloody horrible. I want to premise that these articles are not about a Pollyanna view of life, banishing all negativity. Life is full of ups and downs. It's more about what you do in the tough times that determines how much you suffer rather than avoiding negative emotions altogether.

Positive emotions are a powerful way of helping us cope and perform better in the face of challenges. A positive mindset builds resources such as social, physical and intellectual skills. This has been called "happiness advantage" by one researcher.

Positive emotions help to counterbalance the effects of negative emotions. Case in point. My son was having a monumentally bad morning recently. Negative emotions were flying all around the house. We needed affirmative action - a mood repair technique was needed. Tentatively I made the approach. We talked quickly about how he was feeling, angry! But before we talked about why, we needed a surge of positive emotions to resolve the issue creatively and efficiently. Skateboarding was needed. So around the block we went and we dropped off most negativity along the way. We returned home in positive moods, solved the issue quickly and were on our way to a great day.

If you are having one of those days (at work, in the family, relationships or at school) try not to solve the problem in a negative mind-set. Do something to increase positivity before approaching the issue. If you are at work, I wouldn't suggest a skateboarding session before a board meeting, but maybe a "three good things" exercise, a gratitude visit, or watch a skit from Monty Python. Remember the brain at positive is a far better performer than the brain at negative or even neutral.

If you are feeling down or stressed, then purposefully increase your positive emotions (watch something funny on You Tube, grab a coffee with a friend, feed a duck, exercise, listen to music). Initially you may not feel like it, but the upward surge in positivity will help you deal with the tough day a whole lot better.

You can check to see if you have a healthy balance of positive to negative emotions online. Complete the questionnaire at www.positivityratio.com/single.php to get your positivity ratio. 3 positive to 1 negative emotions is good; 5:1 is great - you are flourishing, building resources and resilience; if it is less than 3:1 you are not giving yourself the "happiness advantage".

A registered psychologist with a masters in applied psychology, Wanganui mother-of-two Kristen Hamling is studying for a PhD in positive psychology.