Anyway.
She Who Must Be Obeyed has come up with a list of jobs as long as the longest proverbial arm, and I am having to get stuck in.
It was either that or go without, er, "cuddles".
So one of the first jobs is to lay some vinyl planking on the concrete floor of our back-door area.
I'm sure you know the one. It's that area that you knew needed a tidy up the day you bought the house. The job you've been putting off forever. And now, instead of just accepting it is what it is, you are giving it a million-dollar makeover just before you sell it.
Actually, we're not doing that. I am allowed an opinion in my house and in this particular case I put my foot down.
We would not be getting someone in to cover the concrete floor with vinyl planking. I would be saving a few bob by doing it myself.
Mrs P started to disagree but soon came round to my way of thinking when I explained how easy the job was and how much it would cost to get someone in to do it. Of course, I pointed out that any money she saved could perhaps be spent at Briscoes, were we not spending it on vinyl planking installation costs.
Enough said.
So, long story short, here I am on the big day with a huge tub of gloopy flooring glue, a spreader and a brain full of knowledge gained from a YouTube tutorial I watched for one minute 36 seconds. Perfect. As far as I was concerned, I was an expert.
Mrs P is out and I'm getting stuck in.
I must say, things went very well for a start.
I pre-cut the vinyl planks to fit and had them sitting sequentially off to the side, ready to go back in, as I spread the glue across the floor.
Now for those uninitiated among you, we flooring experts employ a practice called "open time". This is where you spread the glue on the floor and leave it for 10 to 20 minutes to settle.
After that you are away laughing and can lay vinyl planking to your heart's desire.
The You Tuber tutorial didn't say what you should do in the 10 to 20 minutes while you are waiting, however, so I chose to sit outside the back door in the sun.
I was sitting there, back to the gluey surface, eyes closed, enjoying the sunshine on my face when a familiar wet nose pressed itself into my hand. George the Dog.
Momentarily, I stroked the top of his head before suddenly realising where he was standing. You guessed it. Slap bang in the middle of the wet glue floor.
I leapt to my feet and yelled at him to get off.
Luckily, he did so straight away.
Unluckily, upon his exit he ran straight over the vinyl planks waiting for installation and then back into the kitchen.
Worse was to come as I leapt over the glue in a bid to catch him before his feet left marks elsewhere.
Too late.
By the time I'd caught him he'd scarpered through the kitchen, skidding around the corner on the existing vinyl like something from a cartoon and bolted out through the lounge and out the door on to the new deck.
He made it across the other side and two paces out onto the new pathway pavers before I managed to grab him and scoop him off his feet.
Once I had him secure – and I'd apologized; I only wanted to catch him, not scare him half witless – I surveyed the damage.
Groan.
Not only were George's gluey pawmarks everywhere but I'd also contributed to the chaos with a gluey heel mark dotted in among the canine contribution.
I hadn't realised. but as I'd leapt across the gluey patch racing after George I'd clipped the last few inches of glue with my heel. Oh, to be younger, stronger, faster and able to leap tall buildings (or at least small gluey patches) in one bound.
Anyway.
My concern was for my four-legged housemate, whose paws were now covered in glue. I decided not to muck around trying to get it off, just in case it was getting into his bloodstream, that sort of thing, so we headed for the vet.
A couple of hours later we got back with George all cleaned up and now wearing one of those cones that stops them licking paws etc.
At home, Mrs P was, well, kind of speechless.
I will say she was pretty good, though. She listened to my explanation and accepted it was an unfortunate accident.
It didn't stop her adding to her list of jobs for me, though.
Now I've got to scrape up the dried glue off the concrete floor. Then I've got to try and get it off the vinyl planks, the kitchen floor, the lounge carpet, the deck, the pavers . . . .
Maybe I'll just take her to Briscoes while we get someone in to do it.
