Much like "Ho, ho, ho", it was only a matter of time before the word "tart" was deemed inappropriate by the PC Army. So, too, were the words cracker/s and nuts for fear they offended those afflicted with a mental illness.
So Christmas crackers are now referred to as hand-held holiday treat tubes and nuts have now become brand specific - for example, would you like a cashew? Totally nuts, I know, but such is PC life.
Another much-loved Christmas tradition that has suffered is Carols By Candlelight.
This great community event has now been forced underground - with the carols frequent referencing to Christmas, Christ and God, the PC Army banned such get-togethers from public parks just months after the candles were outlawed and replaced with glow sticks for health and safety reasons.
Though many churches held their own similar events, those who went along primarily to share in that unique sense of community with family and friends were forced on to the dark web to find the details and locations of these now secretive seasonal sing-a-longs.
ACC, after many claims of accidents involving Christmas trees (now referred to as festive foliage) have made it mandatory to have any tree more than three feet tall to be professionally installed, affixed to the wall and fully fenced.
This has been achieved with the help of local councils who now employ TIs (tree inspectors) who, for a fee, come to the site to ensure all standards have been met before they issue you with your certificate of compliance. You are permitted to take down your own tree but only if you wear a hard hat, gloves and a high visibility vest.
Also, under the guise of health of safety, Christmas balloons - like all other balloons - may only be used with ear plugs to prevent the risk of hearing loss and possible heart attack from popping.
The carving of the turkey or any Christmas meat may only be performed by a responsible person over the age of 18, wearing a safety helmet complete with a full face visor, disposable gloves and zero alcohol limit. A CWI (carving while intoxicated) conviction could mean a fine of up to $2000 and your knife could be impounded for up to 28 days.
Even kissing under the mistletoe requires both parties to give their permission in writing, thus avoiding any consent issues. It may all be just conjecture for now but if the PC Army continue to have their way this is exactly the sort of Christmas we can expect to have in 2020. But I refuse to become one of their sad and sorry casualties - I will not be bullied or emotionally blackmailed into changing the way I celebrate Christmas.
And so I say 'Merry Christmas' to ye,
Go find a Santa and sit on his knee,
Let's sing Christmas tunes as we pop some balloons.
Let's kick PC butts while we nibble on nuts
And enjoy pulling on a cracker,
With a kindred Christmas backer,
Staying true to ourselves, with or without elves,
Now go celebrate proudly and keep smiling loudly,
And a 'Ho, ho, ho'
From one Miss L Toe.
-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Whanganui, she's wearing a red suit, carrying a sack and frolicking with elves. Feedback welcome - investik8@gmail.com
