Kate Stewart: For comforts of home go to prison, or start squatting in a squash

SOUPED UP: Kate Stewart is looking at downsizing.PHOTO/STUART MUNRO

In an effort to draw attention to the growing housing shortage and poverty, A. Little, politician, clearly failed to factor in the expense of camping equipment while trying ever so hard to expose Tent City.

A. Little, delusional, wrongly assumed our most marginal citizens had the spare cash to purchase tents.

The problem, though, is a very real and ever increasing one. For those on low incomes, affordable housing is becoming more difficult to find, with Winz now forced to fork out for motels, for those in dire need.

Thankfully, most landlords give you what you pay for but there are still those who charge the going market rate for hovels, knowing that beggars can't be choosers. It's despicable.

With just one Life Form left aboard the Mothership, I've been looking at downsizing and was having trouble finding a smaller, warmer home for less than I'm paying now.

If my plan for long term imprisonment doesn't pan out I, too, could be staring homelessness in the face.

Let's face it, with the wishy-washy sentencing handed down these days, I'd have to be a serial killer to get any decent jail time.

Should you also be contemplating homelessness, have I got news for you. No longer must we be limited to beneath bridges, benches and boxes. If you're prepared to think outside the box, no pun intended, you'd be surprised at what's on offer.

I'm excited to tell you that I found my dream home this week. I'm going to squat in a squash. Yep, the giant pumpkin in Kowhai Park is perfect.

With stunning river views and ample off street parking in the rear, the glassless windows create that perfect indoor-outdoor flow. It's spacious open plan living features built in seating and an indoor BBQ. A couple of throw mats and some scatter cushions will give this designer home a much needed lift. A mix of scented and long burning candles will create that romantic ambience without the expense of electricity. I can save even more money by living off the land. Invite family and friends to share a fresh fish supper and BBQ my way to a delightful crispy skinned duck dish, worthy of Masterchef.

It's an entertainer's dream. Discretely snaffle enough ducks and in no time I can make my own soft downy pillows and duvet. The grounds are fully maintained and I am a mere stones throw from toilet and washroom facilities. Even the loo paper is free. I can spend summer evenings on the swings and see-saws or read a book by the river and if winter nights become too wet or chilly I can easily seek refuge in the car, or one of the mountain tunnels.

Admittedly there is the flood risk and insurance will probably be impossible to get but, hey, I can't afford insurance to begin with so what's the big deal?

Should the original owner, Peter Peter, return and evict me, I can bring a nursery rhyme to life by packing up my kit and relocating to the giant boot. I will become the old woman who lives in a shoe, minus the kids of course.

I'll let you know when I move. Drop by anytime, until then email me at: investik8.com.

-Kate Stewart is a politically incorrect columnist of no repute. Born and bred in Whanganui, she does not suffer fools gladly, but does suffer from the occasional bout of hayfever.