And it's probably a generational thing too.
What it meant in the 50s for example may pale in comparison to what it means for us in the present day. Our fathers and grandfathers had different expectations.
They were conditioned to think that you had to be tough, you had to harden up whenever something challenged you and you were meant to be the protector and provider in your domain.
Maybe some of that stuff still rings true?
But a lot has moved on.
Sometimes this phrase was meant to excuse bad behaviour. Today we might call it toxic behaviour. There are often two sides to the coin.
What if we flipped that on its head and said something like "men will be men" and speak of the positive aspects we could promote about being men?
Of course, there is no cookie cutter of what a man should be, but we could probably agree, as men, on a code of conduct or a modus operandi for what we aspire to be and what we would encourage our young men, who are following closely in our footsteps, to be.
Here are some things that I think of when I think about what it means to be a man.
And by no means do I think this is a list for everyone, but it certainly works for me and speaks of my own upbringing.
They are things I celebrate as being a man and characteristics that I aspire to.
Don't get me wrong. I fade in and out of these values because I'm human, but aspiration is a good thing to have. Like a plan or playbook.
It might not always come off, but we constantly work on them right?
I resonate with a lot of what my dad and grandfathers thought a man was.
A protector and a provider. A conduit of knowledge.
So my list might start there. There's a saying that I hear often in youth work; 'Be the person you needed when you were young'.
What I needed when I was young was someone to encourage me out of my shell.
Someone who could let me know that I was safe.
Safe physically. Safe emotionally. Safe spiritually and safe in other ways that I needed at the time.
Some things I needed that I didn't always get were simple things like knowing that having a good cry wasn't weak or that I had to just 'suck it up'.
I needed to have it demonstrated to me that we can tell each other that we love each other and not be called 'gay' or 'weird'.
That sharing vulnerability is a sign of strength rather than weakness.
A kaupapa I have been involved with for a number of years now is the White Ribbon movement. You can look that up for yourself if you are unaware of it.
But here in Whanganui, we have always tried to take a positive, strength-based approach to it rather than wag the finger at men to 'stop being bad'.
I don't want to fix bad habits. I want to strengthen good habits.
They are two very different approaches.
Show boys and men that 'having a heart' is a good thing, that caring is something we should aspire to.
Show our sons and other young men we engage with that it is okay to cry.
Be an example that when we see injustice in any form, a strong man will stand up and speak out. Whether it's violence towards wāhine and tamariki or we've just witnessed someone being treated badly.
What does being a man mean to you? If you are a man, how will you demonstrate what that means to our upcoming generations?
If you're not a man, what does a man look like?
Let's change the conversation from 'Boys will be boys' to 'What does it mean to be a man?' and let's see where that takes us.
