Every day when she wakes and every night before she sleeps Lee Hall thinks of her missing son, Brett, and asks that he please come home.
"Where the hell are you?" is the anguished plea from this mother who sometimes wants to get back into bed and let the day pass by.
Mrs Hall was tearful last week as she told the Chronicle depression had set in ahead of the second anniversary on Monday of her son's disappearance.
"It's the not knowing," she cries.
"I just want my son back. You don't know where to put yourself and what to do. I looked at my late husband's photo and asked him ... where the hell is our son?
"This is big, it's huge. I am not the first to lose a child and I won't be the last."
Mr Hall disappeared from his Pitangi property, between Parikino and Atene on the Whanganui River, on the weekend of May 27, 2011.
Officer-in-charge CIB Detective Senior Sergeant Dave Kirby says the case is still very much open and police are still interested in Mr Hall's whereabouts and what has happened to him.
"When information comes in, work is done on it which will assist to bring about a result.
"We want to get closure for the family and return Brett's body," Mr Kirby said.
Mrs Hall said she last spoke to the police three weeks ago.
It was on June 3, 2011, when Mrs Hall and her son, Michael, were at the property to see if they could shed light on Mr Hall's disappearance, that police asked them to leave the river property because they were treating the case as a homicide.
"We sort of knew that he was not on the property ... but it was a shock to hear it," she said.
During an earlier conversation with the Chronicle, Mrs Hall said she was stronger now although the weight of having no closure as to her son's whereabouts remained a heavy burden on the family.
"We need Brett returned to us so we can bury him and at last have some peace," Mrs Hall said.
And she is now angry - angry at whoever is responsible for the disappearance of her son and for the heartache caused to her family.
"You have taken away a much loved son, brother, father and grandfather.
"We so desperately want him back."
Her message is direct: "Is there another mother out there who knows something about my son and the pain of loss?
"Please, please get in contact with the police and pass on any information.
"No matter what race or religion, you should be buried by your family, not just have your body dumped somewhere."
But with no answers from any quarter, Mrs Hall knows that if her son was returned, she could not cradle him in a final farewell.
"Even if we have a coffin ... because it could not be opened ... I would still want him to come home to be with us before he was buried."
Meanwhile, will Mrs Hall consider a memorial service?
"I want my son to have a proper funeral. I don't want a memorial service."
She says there are times in the day when she is overwhelmed by emotion for her son, but takes some spiritual comfort that he must be close to her.
Sometimes she will sit and cry as only a parent who knows the pain of losing a child can.
And then she speaks to herself: "Come on, just get on with the day.
"I am positive he has been murdered because he would not do this to his family ... if he was alive and not come home."
Without a glimmer of hope in this hell she has lived for the past two years, Mrs Hall says she would love a miracle.
"If he walked through the door ... or if he was carried through ..."
What is hard to accept in all of this is that her son did not like violence or confrontation.
"Brett was loving. He loved his family and adored his grandchildren ... his grandson loved going up to the farm with him."
And now his grandson has stopped asking where his grandfather is, but when he did, he was given the answer that "granddad has gone away".
Mr Hall's son, Damian, is suffering too, but won't speak about the anguish of losing his father and mate, says his grandmother.
Mr Hall's dream was to always own land and live close to the bush. He found his piece of paradise at Pitangi, which he had bought a part of from one of his mates.
The estate will be passed to Damian.
"Brett loved it. It is a beautiful spot. We do go there still. It's hard to see Brett's dream ... that he will never be able to live there."
If you have information that will help police with the case of Brett Hall's disappearance, contact Detective Senior Sergeant Dave Kirby on 06 3490648. Your anonymity is assured.