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Home / Whanganui Chronicle

How we balance our needs with the needs of others - Shelley Loader

Shelley  Loader
By Shelley Loader
Columnist·Whanganui Chronicle·
27 Jun, 2025 04:01 PM5 mins to read

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We saw the need to prioritise others during the 2015 flood where our Whanganui community supported those affected.  Photo / NZME

We saw the need to prioritise others during the 2015 flood where our Whanganui community supported those affected.  Photo / NZME

The balance between self-care (prioritising our own needs) and altruism (prioritising the needs of others) is complicated and requires personal awareness, accountability and self-reflection of our individual and collective responsibilities.

Prioritising our physical, emotional and mental wellbeing is essential for maintaining our overall health and resilience.

Self-care involves setting healthy boundaries, practicing self-compassion and engaging in activities that fill our buckets.

Altruism, showing empathy, kindness and compassion towards others (without expectation of reward or recognition) fosters strong relationships, builds community and promotes a sense of social connection.

Establishing healthy boundaries helps maintain a balance between self-care and altruism, ensuring that our own needs are met while still being considerate and supportive of others for collective wellbeing and harmony.

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Prioritising our own needs doesn’t mean being selfish, it means recognising that our wellbeing is essential to maintain positive relationships and prevent unhealthy relationship dynamics.

Within New Zealand society we receive a lot of mental health messages educating us how to improve our individual wellbeing.

There is a high expectation for personal accountability in this area.

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Healthy boundaries that promote self-care include setting clear limits on what we are willing and able to do, making time for activities that recharge us, expressing our emotions in a healthy and respectful manner and respecting our varying needs for personal space and alone time.

Healthy boundaries help us feel more confident and self-assured, lead to more positive and respectful relationships, help reduce stress and anxiety and help us feel more in control of our lives and decisions.

Healthy boundaries also promote collective wellbeing.

When we understand and express our own needs and limits and understand and respect the needs and limits of others, we become more willing to compromise towards mutually beneficial solutions.

Within New Zealand society we receive considerably fewer mental health messages educating us how to improve altruism.

There is less expectation for personal accountability in this area.

There is an exception to this. Context matters.

During times of crisis there is more of an expectation to prioritise the needs of others.

We saw this locally during the 2015 flood where our Whanganui community supported those affected.

We also saw it nationally during Covid-19 when as a society we committed to be kind to each other.

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Healthy boundaries that promote collective wellbeing include communicating respectfully without interrupting or dismissing, willingness to understand other people’s perspectives and feelings, inclusive decision-making involving all interested parties, valuing and respecting diversity, taking responsibility for our actions and impact on others, and making amends when we harm others.

Narcissism is the psychological term for extreme, excessive self-care and unhealthy focus on our own needs at the expense of others.

We commonly refer to unhealthy tendencies in this direction as selfishness, egotism or inflated self-worth.

These tendencies lead to lack of empathy, exploitation of others, and negative consequences for relationships.

At the other end of the spectrum, pathological altruism is the psychological term for extreme, excessive and unhealthy prioritisation of the needs of others over our own needs.

We commonly refer to unhealthy tendencies in this direction as self-sacrifice, people-pleasing or low self-worth.

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These tendencies lead to overcommitment, burnout and negative consequences for oneself.

Self-awareness and self-reflection enable us to make informed decisions about how to better balance self-care and altruism.

In finding a balance we can maintain our own wellbeing, cultivate healthy relationships and contribute positively to our communities.

We can actively focus on understanding and considering other people’s perspectives and needs, seek constructive feedback, hold ourselves accountable and consider the consequences of our actions.

We can respect healthy boundaries and ensure everyone has opportunity to contribute to collective success.

Individual success relies on the support and contributions of others. Individual success can contribute to collective success, and vice versa.

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These dynamics are significantly influenced by power and resource disparities.

Prioritising power and achievement, short-term gains and personal interests over diverse perspectives, social and environmental impacts and other people’s autonomy and boundaries can harm others, our reputations and collective wellbeing.

Power and resource disparities perpetuate systemic inequalities, making it challenging for marginalised groups to access opportunities and resources to achieve individual success, and hindering collective success.

Open and honest communication helps us identify shared goals and values, align our individual and collective interests, collaborate authentically and find a balance that benefits both ourselves and our communities.

Finding that balance strengthens relationships, builds trust and promotes mutual respect. It drives innovation and problem-solving, and promotes personal growth, social cohesion and shared progress.

While they seem like opposites, both narcissism and pathological altruism stem from the same underlying issues; distorted views of ourselves, our self-worth and lack of healthy boundaries.

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Working in community we face unique challenges that impact our boundaries and wellbeing.

Working with vulnerable and disadvantaged people and traumatic issues is emotionally demanding, leading to high levels of stress, compassion fatigue and burnout.

Lack of recognition and support, competition for resources, expectations to achieve outcomes with limited resources, and fear of failure all lead to difficulty maintaining boundaries and prioritising self-care.

Our work is all-consuming, making it difficult for us to disconnect and maintain healthy boundaries between work and personal life. Our passion for our causes can lead to overcommitting.

Within the community sector there is a high level of awareness for the risks associated with prioritising the needs of others over our own.

It is difficult when people in crisis and the demands on us are not limited to business hours, but we do our best to support each other to ensure balance and maintain healthy boundaries.

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By establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries which balance self-care and altruism we can all improve our own lives and create positive and supportive communities that promote cohesion and wellbeing.

Shelley Loader is the manager of Community House Whanganui.

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