Gorgeous me: Learn to feel good about yourself

Learn to love yourself and identify self-belief.

I had a working relationship with a woman who (let's call her Susan), whenever I left a message for her to call me, would immediately ask, "What's wrong, what have I done?"

I eventually asked her why her first reaction was always to assume something was wrong or, more to the point, why she thought she'd done wrong.

Quite simply, it was her upbringing. Whenever her father spoke to her it was to point out something she hadn't done right.

We are who we are, to varying degrees, because of what we were brought up to believe by parents, siblings, teachers, bosses, friends.

Unless we are truly independent thinkers and can challenge these inputs, many of us will come to adopt them in some shape or form. They can really knock one's self-worth and confidence.

I know people who go out of their way to have people "like" them because they were brought up believing they weren't good enough.

People who were ridiculed earlier in life for something, are now trying to hide or prove otherwise.

It might not even be "beliefs", it could be someone's actions, or even what they didn't say.

I know a guy whose father is a grumpy, mean man and has been his whole life. His actions have seriously affected his family, now grown with their own families. His children feel worthless.

It can take a lot to undo the harm caused; it may even require external, independent, expert help.

There will be some for whom such beliefs are so ingrained that they may remain. And by no means is it always bad. I know lots of people who are confident and purposeful, with an abundance of self-worth: they were brought up believing they were worthy and deserving.

The influencers in their lives deserve a huge accolade. We need loads more of these people in the world.

Refer also to the fourth point, which follows.

TURNING YOUR BELIEFS AROUND

This is where positive, self-belief is key.

Identify the culprit

Are there things you think, say or do that you wish you didn't, or wish were different? In the example above, I know Susan wished she wasn't so paranoid, always thinking the worst.

Often, identifying the culprit can be the most difficult part. We might not even realise it exists. And by culprit, we're not talking about a person, but the belief or reason for the belief.

Recognise it for what it is

Consciously or subconsciously you have adopted someone else's beliefs, not necessarily your own. Others are entitled to their beliefs but that doesn't mean you have to buy into them. Tell yourself, "It simply isn't true", "It was a long time ago", "I've changed", "They've changed", etc.

Deal to it

Concentrate on what is true, good, great about you. Focus on your great qualities, one at a time. Believe in them. Think them. Say them. Act on them.

You're not going to unravel years of an acquired behaviour or attitude by thinking/saying/doing it once. You have to re-wire your brain to what is real. It will be hard work and requires commitment.

Your own beliefs

This is about what you may be passing on. I heard of a woman this morning who constantly referred to her daughter as "thunder thighs" and has attempted to repeat similar behaviour with her grandchildren.

Some beliefs may be so ingrained that you really need the advice and guidance of a counsellor to see your way through. Or, first off, you could try talking to a family member or a close friend. Break the shackles!

You will be free when you do.

Lisa Lyford is the founder of Gorgeous Me, free DIY personal styling and makeover advice. gorgeousme.co
Send your questions for Lisa to regionalfeatures@nzme.co.nz.