And they’re off. After the sort of extended holiday granted only to school kids and bums, our political class officially return to work next week, with the first sitting day of parliament for 2024 on Tuesday.
Will our record 123 MPs remember where their desks are, which side of the house they’re supposed to sit on and whether their computer password is “Me4NextPM1″ or “Me4NextPM2″? The more fascinating question is what the first year of this new, ambitious, but largely inexperienced coalition government will look like.
A few things are foreseeable: it will easily complete its first 100-days plan, mainly because the thing aims to do little more than bin six years of Labour policies while “start[ing] work” on its own stuff.
As well, we will see Māori-Crown relations, already in free-fall, reach a new low for the 21st century as Act leader David Seymour attempts but fails to rewrite history, while National’s belated tax cut will finally be delivered only to be made worthless by the still rising cost of living.
A highlight for fans of squirming obfuscation will be watching Prime Minister Christopher Luxon’s doing the “hard mahi” of managing deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters, who’s odds-on to spend the year generating more headlines than his ostensible boss.
Finally, by year’s end, Labour’s pretence of a post-defeat peace pact among its MPs will likely have given way to an internecine war for the leadership.
Beyond those? Given that the first scandal of the year was the shock revelation of an (alleged) pre-Christmas shoplifting spree by the previously saintly Green MP Golriz Ghahraman, only a fool would attempt making predications, even mad ones, for the rest of the political year. I am that fool.
February
Hopes that Act leader David Seymour will be the among the first in New Zealand to be replaced by AI are dashed after ChatGPT refuses to take his place in the House citing its inability to mimic non-human lifeforms.
Waitangi Day commemorations at Waitangi are marred when it becomes clear that Prime Minister Christopher Luxon will attend.
Labour list MP Kieran McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
March
The Coalition takes 105 days to complete its first 100-days plan. Luxon blames the previous Labour government for the cock-up.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
April
To further burnish his image of “looking like the everyday man”, National MP Sam Uffindell reveals he cleans one of his home’s two toilets once a year “to give my wife a break”.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
May
Transport minister Simeon Brown solves the nation’s epidemic of potholes by reclassifying them as Unplanned Vehicle Suspension Testers and claims new research shows they contribute to road safety.
At a post-Budget press conference, finance minister Nicola Willis denies the Coalition’s purchase of the world’s largest electron microscope, used to identify deep cuts to essential government services, cost more than the savings it found.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
June
After the government prohibits the public display of gang patches, members of the Mongrel Mob begin dressing as Jedi knights and Black Power as the Sith Order to avoid the ban. Police minister Mark Mitchell says it can’t be true because “I have felt no disturbance in the Force.”
A petition in Mt Albert calling for the 20 voters who make up Helen White’s electorate majority to sit in a corner wearing dunce hats until the next election gets over 21,000 signatures. The Labour MP claims she’s “very happy with the result”.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
July
Fire and Emergency services rush to NZ First MP Shane Jones parliamentary office to extinguish flames after his ego rages out of control.
Another Green MP resigns from parliament after CCTV footage reveals them putting rubbish in a recycling bin. The MP claims it was a “one-off, moment of madness”.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
August
Bakers’ fears of “a sausage roll mountain and a tomato sauce lake” grow as it becomes clear that, post-election, Labour leader Chris Hipkins has gone on some sort of whacky, no-sausage-roll diet.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
September
After the government bans cellphones on all school grounds, 95% of students are found to be “working from home for the foreseeable future”.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
October
Luxon claims of a “strong and stable” government are shaken after polls show a sharp drop in support causing the Wellington City Council to issue the Coalition with an Earthquake-Prone Structure notice.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
November
In a showcase for more cost-effective public-private partnerships, National’s first boot camp for wayward youth is opened at the Petone branch of the Number One Shoes Warehouse.
McAnulty denies any leadership ambitions.
December
Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters declared winner of the most sunshine hours for the year, after spending a record number of hours calling journalists “sunshine” during 2024.
Former prime minister Jacinda Ardern publishes her widely-anticipated book on leadership. Its title is I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here.
New Labour leader Kieran McAnulty claims he has no ambitions to be prime minister.
Greg Dixon is the Listener online’s new politics’ commentator. His columns are exclusive to the listener.co.nz
