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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz on Friday mornings.
Experts say Prime Minister Christopher Luxon must be enrolled in an English-as-a-second language course immediately following a “train wreck” interview this week.
Long-time media analyst Frank-Lee A. Sinecure says Luxon clearly suffers from a sometimes-fatal political disorder, known to medical experts as Loquentes multum de testiculis, commonly known as “Talking a lot of bollocks syndrome”.
The only known cures for the condition are being assigned a permanent translator who understands bollocks or for the afflicted to be given arduous, often painful, English-as-a-second language training for the remainder of their political life.
“Luxon is no idiot,” Sinecure says. “But this condition means he can sound like one. It is my belief that the Prime Minister’s continuing unpopularity with the public is a result of three-quarters of voters having no idea what he is saying most of the time. Mind you, it is possible that Luxon has no idea what he is saying most of the time, either.”
Wellington political commentator Lucas Windy says the Prime Minister’s communication problems may be related to his many years of speaking only corporate jargon, leaving him incapable of communicating in foreign languages such as English.
However, medical expert Dr Will B. Quoted believes Luxon’s communication problems might be a direct result of his years as Unilever’s vice president of deodorant for North America. “His problem could be due to long-term exposure to Lynx Africa, which may have permanently damaged his brain’s speech centres,” Quoted says.
Fears that Luxon may never be capable of speaking normally have been growing since he became Prime Minister in 2023, but reached fever pitch this week after a radio interview with the country’s top broadcaster, DJ Loud-Interruption. During an exchange about the resignation of Commerce and ACC Minister Andrew Bayly, Luxon experienced a minutes-long bout of verbal diarrhoea before Loud-Interruption interrupted him and changed the subject.
Sinecure called the interview a “train wreck in which no words got out alive”. It was plain that Luxon was incapable of answering a simple question in simple, understandable English.
Further concerns about Luxon, who fled to Vietnam for the week to get away from interviews about Bayly, arose yesterday when a covertly recorded conversation between Luxon and an Auckland restaurant waiter was leaked to media.
Here is the full transcript:
Waiter: Are you enjoying your meal, sir?
Luxon: Well, that’s hypothetical.
Waiter: Sorry, I don’t understand?
Luxon: When I ordered, I laid out my expectations. I made them crystal clear.
Waiter: Yes, I remember. You didn’t want the duck. You wanted the turkey.
Luxon: I acted very decisively.
Waiter: Yes.
Luxon: I had very clear expectations. I made them crystal clear.
Waiter: Yes. So, how is your meal, sir?
Luxon: Well, that’s hypothetical.
Waiter: Yes, you said. But why is it hypothetical?
Luxon: Hypothetically, I don’t think the turkey has met its own expectations.
Waiter: How can you tell?
Luxon: It told me in a late-night phone call in which it said it hadn’t met its own expeditions.
Waiter: I’m not sure that’s possible, sir. It’s a turkey and it’s dead. Has the turkey not in fact met your expectations?
Luxon: What I am saying is that the turkey hasn’t met its own expectations.
Waiter: Are your expectations and its expectations actually the same thing, sir?
Luxon: Hypothetically.
Waiter: So, hypothetically, the turkey is disappointed with itself and so are you?
Luxon: Possibly.
Waiter: Would you like me to get you something else?
Luxon: Yes.
Waiter: What would you like?
Luxon: I’m now laser focused on the duck.
Waiter: You should have just said so, sir. You’ve made a complete meal of this.
Luxon: Only hypothetically.
Following the release of what reporters have no choice but to call the “Restaurant-Gate” tape, an even greater number of experts believe the Prime Minister’s Loquentes multum de testiculis condition is more severe than first thought. Dr Quoted says if Luxon is to improve before next year’s election, treatment will need to begin soon.
Coalition sources say a translation service has been ruled out by Cabinet because it could cost $600 million over the next 18 months due to the severity of Luxon’s condition.
It’s now likely the Prime Minister will instead be enrolled in an English-as-a-second language programme at Wellington High School’s Community Education Centre, which offers eight-week courses at no charge.
Arresting Developments in NZ Justice
Justice Minister Paul Goldsmith’s controversial extension of the citizen’s arrest powers will also give retailers the right to put those they have arrested in a pillory on the village green and have passersby throw spoilt fruit and vegetables at them, official papers show.
In Ministry of Justice documents released to Another Kind of Politics under the Official Disinformation Act, Goldsmith is also considering allowing angry mobs with torches to roam their villages at night looking for outsiders, suspected witches to be burned at stakes and inbred pagan communities to burn Christians inside giant wicker men.
However, floggings, crucifixion, and hanging, drawing and quartering will continue to remain outside the powers of ordinary citizens, at least for now.
Goldsmith described the moves as consistent with National’s “tough on crime” initiatives, such as banning gang patches, and added he would give business owners the right to inflict medieval punishments on those suspected of wrongdoing.
“We need better solutions for reducing crime, and indiscriminate summary justice has to be one of the tools in our Pandora’s box,” he said.
Political quiz of the week:
Why is a dead-eyed Act leader David Seymour smiling like The Joker in this photo?
A/ He’s a sad clown contemplating wasteful government spending.
B/ He has regrets, but too few to mention.
C/ He’s “bound up” from something he ate from his school lunches programme.
D/ Someone has done an unnatural “act” in his beverage.
