A compelling statistic swept the always-ready-for-action online over-reaction community recently. It came in several versions. Said one: “Research shows that 75 to 95% of the time that a parent is going to spend with their child happens before that kid turns 18 years old.” But the following version probably had most traction: “In fact 75% of the time we spend with our kids in our lifetime will be spent by age 12″.
Bosoms were clasped and hearts swelled fit to burst at the thought that average moppets and their average parents had such fleeting moments to share.
Just hearing it was enough to make you want to stop your current activity, gather your little ones into your arms and do something about it. Thirteen-year-olds would have been particularly vulnerable to sudden attention as their parents tried to improve their personal scores.
Interesting word “fact”. If we take it to mean something that can be substantiated by evidence, this is not a fact. It is not hard to find the statistic. It is impossible to find the research that is credited with producing it.
“I recently heard … While I can’t find a source to verify the statistic, I can personally attest” was just one example of the vagueness around the whole thing.
It’s a good story. It sounds plausible. It may be completely true. We just don’t know.
For all the interest the bloggers and commentators had in the topic, no one found they needed to credit a source or even acknowledge that they weren’t crediting a source. They just threw this bit of unsubstantiated hokum around like an emotional hand grenade and blamed “research”.
“Research” is another interesting word, with the powerful ability to mean either quite a lot or, as in the case of this statistic, nothing.
Actually, “allegation” would probably be a better word to use than statistic.
There is certainly some truth in it. Parents do spend a lot of time with kids before the latter are 12. They can’t drive themselves anywhere, and for an unreasonable part of that time Mum and Dad have to be Junior’s de facto bladder and bowels, providing the finishing touch to acts of digestive elimination on their behalf. It’s still against the law to turn them out on the street. You’re stuck with them.
This is quality time. And as many parents will tell you, quality is more important than quantity.
The factoid fed into the belief that one day a week of real engagement is better than six days a week of mutual grunts of acknowledgment as the parties pass each other in the morning on their way to school or work.
The problem with this very consoling philosophy is that many of the parents who use it to describe their style never get around to the quality part either.
Fortunately for them, there is reason to believe that finely curated parenting sessions, with the emphasis on really meaningful experiences, are not going to have any effect one way or the other.
The Journal of Marriage and Family has enrolled in the quality-trumps-quantity school of thought with, ahem, research quoted in the Washington Post showing that “the sheer amount of time parents spend with their kids between the ages of 3 and 11 has virtually no relationship to how children turn out, and a minimal effect on adolescents”.
Tell that to middle-class parents with their insatiable appetite for guilt. The reason the 75%=12 years figure struck a chord had nothing to do with its accuracy or lack of. It had to do with the need it met for parents to feel that they could do better. The anxiety-industrial complex went into overdrive. Bloggers desperate for something over which to ruminate and fulminate grabbed at it like a toddler presented with a shiny new toy to rip to bits. One whiny preacher after another picked up the “fact” and beat parents around the head with it.
Kids, like other humans, like to be loved. It begins and ends there. And there is no way to construct a formula for how much love a kid needs before they are 12 or 50. The best solution may be not to turn it into a commodity it by putting a number on it.
But I can’t say that for a fact. I’ll be honest with you – I don’t have the research to back it up.
