As we all sit here, twiddling our thumbs, waiting for the new government to get its act together, let’s imagine something for a minute.
But let me be clear: what you’re about to read will never be a reality. It simply can’t, it’s only me suggesting it, so sit back and relax.
Former UK Prime Minister David Cameron’s return to the British Cabinet came from nowhere. It took everyone by surprise, but it got me cogitating. Indeed, my sense of imagination took off. What would New Zealand look like if we could cherry-pick our politicians?
On this basis, I’ve had a crack at presenting you with our best MMP Cabinet - all players, all parties valid, no barriers to entry, not even death. A powerhouse super-Cabinet, the who’s who of New Zealand politics since MMP was introduced in 1996.
The best of the best – well, my take on it anyway and not just a list of the usual suspects. If you have stood out in life and I think you need to be included, you have been rocketed into the Cabinet from the outside - a kind of a wild-card entry to the top table.
If you’re wondering, “what would he know?” Well, not much in terms of the big wide world but I did do 17 years in the Press Gallery at Parliament for TV One and Three News. I have been extraordinarily lucky to have a privileged place on the frontline reporting on those at the top table for most of my journalism career, whether it be on radio, TV, writing for newspapers and magazines or podcasting.
I’ve chased and reported on every MMP Prime Minister and been through at least 90 countries on various missions. I’ve covered every election since 1993 and every Prime Minister since Jim Bolger. I’ve seen the “warts and all” - and I saw it all before social media, when we drank and tanked, but had unguarded and unfiltered access to power.
You get to know who is good, why they are good, how they move the needle and what’s needed to make a difference. The very best politicians have an idea and can see it through. It’s called a legacy.
The best ones never let the tension get to them and they aren’t fooled by the public service. The best ones drive the public service to deliver the change and to think about how that might look, how it will be delivered and who will pay. But few MPs have the X-factor. Most are underwhelming and entirely normal. A select few have the skills, knowledge, ideas, temperament, ability and drive to make a difference.
Parliament is unlike any other workplace. There are egos. Stress levels go off the chart when everything is on the line, but you get to know people at their worst and best. So, while we wait for the new-look Cabinet to be revealed I’ve embarked on this big little project.
So behold, the fictional but highly functioning list:
1. John Key: Prime Minister/Tourism/Chief Mood Setter of the Nation.
Pips Helen Clark for the top job because of being more popular for longer periods. Knows his numbers, strong on the economy, good delegator and manager. Ruthless when needed. Got Barack Obama Down Under. Let’s hope this second time around he uses his popularity to actually do something.
2. Helen Clark: Deputy Prime Minister/Foreign Affairs/Arts and Culture Minister.
The loyal deputy PM just over Key’s shoulder and ready to pounce. Gets Foreign Affairs because no one else is better qualified. She knows more than all the officials combined. However, best kept out of the country. Best kept busy.
3. Bill English: Finance/Revenue/Responsibility for government targets.
Like a good wine, he got better with age. Ended up being brilliant at tracking spending to see if it was useful. Never suffered fools. The angry streak disappeared after becoming Prime Minister. Highly respected. Became leader when he was still a hands-on dad. It was way too soon. Once called me a word beginning with the letter c. I have since got over it.
4. Michael Cullen: Housing/KiwiRail/Superannuation issues/ Leader of the house.
Smart, skilled and a great debater. Formed an incredible partnership with Clark and takes out the fourth spot in this MMP dream line-up. KiwiSaver is his legacy; KiwiRail was his moment of madness. Toll Holdings is still chanting his name in the boardroom in Sydney thanks to the price we paid to buy it back.
5. Winston Peters: Minister of whatever he wants/Openness and Transparency/Comebacks/Racing/Pacific Islands/Cook Islands/Co-captain Parliamentary Rugby Team.
Superannuation payments would be lower without him. Key would constantly be urging him to spend more time in the Pacific.
6. Mike Moore: Trade/Pacific Islands with special responsibility for Winston Peters.
7. Annette King: Health
A brutal but caring minister. Likes to fix problems quickly and quietly or don’t come Monday.
8. Stephen Joyce: Infrastructure.
Mr Fix It. Famously turned Waterview into three tunnels for not much more than the price of two. A remarkable head for numbers.
9. Chris Finlayson:
Treaty Negotiations and Attorney-General. The best Treaty negotiator by some distance and the sharpest legal brain to enter Parliament. Can be cutting and usually is. Great turn of phrase – he sees an idiot the day before they show up.
10. Tariana Turia: Whānau Ora/Vulnerable Families
A former firebrand who decided to stop protesting and do something useful instead. Her legacy is, without question, Te Pāti Māori. Her work in the anti-smoking space saved lives.
11. Jim Bolger: Agriculture/Labour and Workplace Relations
A wily street fighter and a tough rooster who shouldn’t be underestimated. Would be unhappy with his ranking but he made it among tough competition.
12. Jim Anderton: Banking/Regional Development and Small Business
KiwiBank is his legacy. His mission will be making New Zealand banks more attractive. Likely to say ‘I told you so’ more often than anyone else. Plenty of credibility.
13. Rod Donald: Environment/Modern Cities. A man ahead of his time. The stuff he advocated was once deemed loopy but is now mainstream. An absolute Green Warrior.
14. Sue Bradford: Child Welfare/Ditching Poverty.
Wears her heart on her sleeve. Not afraid to get into a dust-up.
15. Dave Letele: Charities/Anti-Violence/Men’s Issues/Stronger Communities. First outsider to make it into the dream cabinet. An extraordinary Kiwi, with incredible cut through. Can organise a mass response quicker than any Government department.
16. Paula Bennett: Education/Young People/Westies When she brings her ‘A’ game she’s on. Gives the Cabinet a look of real depth.
17. Rob Fyfe: Government Procurement/Technology/Civil Emergencies
This is his chance to show us how good he is. The former Air New Zealand boss comes with a big-as-big reputation – a self-styled winner and communicator.
18. James Shaw: Climate Change
Simply couldn’t be overlooked given his knowledge of this area.
19. Mai Chen: Justice/Constitutional Issues
Another outsider, this legal superstar replaces Jenny Shipley (who was dumped at the last minute). Brings a new and culturally inclusive perspective.
20. Rodney Hide: Reducing Regulations and Parliamentary Perks
A huge brain and vastly deep thinker. The sort of person needed in Cabinet. Hard worker.
And that’s it, folks.
The rest were unlucky, but this is no time for sympathies. Laila Harre, John Tamihere, David Cunliffe, Christopher Luxon and Chris Hipkins are on the bench as Ministers outside Cabinet. Although Cunliffe is under special watch - if he is ever sorry for being a man again, he will be removed from office immediately and face the wrath of the New Zealand men’s committee (which is yet to form and so far has no voice).
Jacinda Ardern was unavailable to work in New Zealand as she now very much sees herself as an internationalist, so she ruled herself out.
Former New Zealand cricketer and opinionated television star, Mark Richardson, was considered but didn’t want to take a pay cut. He now works in private finance.
Grant Robertson is considering taking the role of Chief of Staff behind the scenes.
Lockwood Smith will become Speaker. His record in the chair was impressive.
Ah, it’s good to have dreams. Could it work? We’ll never know but it gets you thinking what is possible, though.
Meanwhile, the wait goes on…
