Dear Santa,
We know, we know, we’re really late this year. But it’s US. The now ironically named UNITED States of America? We’re your special favourite, right? Because we’re everybody’s favourite, or so that’s what we continue to tell ourselves. We know, since you see everything, there’s no point in pretending we’ve been particularly good this year, but we’re in a bit of a mess, and we’re hoping you could help US out. We know it’s a long list, but we do have more Christians than any other country. Anyway, we worked really hard to pare the list down, so what’s here is what we really need:
Affordable housing. Almost half of US renters spend more than the recommended ceiling of 30% of income on housing, and a quarter spend more than 50%. More than 650,000 people are homeless. Eight million new affordable units should do it, thanks, and don’t worry, they won’t be in your backyard.
Income equality/tax fairness. Our wealthiest 1% now own more wealth – US$38.7 trillion – than the middle 60% of income-earners. And our incredibly inequitable tax system makes the situation worse every day. Here’s a good rule of thumb for you: The better the cookies are on the plate left out for you, the less those people need your help.
Action on climate change. Fossil fuels still account for 80% of our energy consumption. We’re 4.23% of the world’s population yet account for 13.49% of its carbon dioxide emissions, so please, no more coal in our stockings.
Guns. Whoops, I guess we’re good on those, unless you think having more guns than people isn’t enough.
More drug and alcohol treatment/less mass incarceration. An estimated 65% of our prison population has an active substance abuse disorder. People whose blood-alcohol content was over the legal limit committed 40% of violent crimes. We spend $80 billion keeping people in jail, and $6.6 billion on drug treatment programmes. Toss some new priorities down our chimney, will you?
Healthcare. We spend more on it than any other nation, yet among OECD countries we rank among the bottom few for life expectancy at birth, the worst death rates for avoidable or treatable conditions, the highest maternal and infant mortality, and among the highest suicide rates. Maybe a nice new calculator would help our lawmakers figure out how this particular math got so turned on its head.
A political polarisation panacea. Even though you live at a pole you might need help with this one, because we’re having a hell of a time with it down here. Maybe give it to Rudolph; he seems to be your go-to reindeer for fixing intractable problems.
Facts. At this point, we don’t even care if they’re particularly relevant facts, we’re that confused about who and what to believe. For example, ChatGPT says you aren’t real, Fox News says we should take Ukraine funding and spend it on the War on Christmas, and the Innkeepers of America lobbyist says not only were Joseph and Mary not turned away, they were upgraded to the honeymoon suite.
Science. Research.com says 61.7% of the world’s top scientists work in the US, but we’ve almost totally stopped listening to them. Maybe get each one a megaphone?
Democracy. Okay, Santa, this is the big one – the latest iPhone, Tesla, Ninja air fryer, whatever metaphor you like. Without this the others are just accessories, so you’re really gonna have to think outside the Xbox. Maybe dangle 75 million shiny ornaments on Election Day to distract everyone who voted for Trump last time. Or get each of them a copy of our Constitution with a coupon for a free oil change for those who can prove they actually read it. We’re out of ideas and hanging on by a thread. Our Constitution has a lot of Clauses, but you, Santa, are the only one who can save US now. No pressure though; all that’s at stake is the rule of law.
Love to Mrs Claus,
Your pal, US.
