The Listener
  • The Listener home
  • The Listener E-edition
  • Opinion
  • Politics
  • Health & Nutrition
  • Arts & Culture
  • New Zealand
  • World
  • Business & Finance
  • Food & Drink

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Politics
  • Opinion
  • New Zealand
  • World
  • Health & nutrition
  • Business & finance
  • Art & culture
  • Food & drink
  • Entertainment
  • Books
  • Life

More

  • The Listener E-edition
  • The Listener on Facebook
  • The Listener on Instagram
  • The Listener on X

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Listener
Home / The Listener / New Zealand

The Good Life: A pipe dream

Greg Dixon
New Zealand Listener·
3 Aug, 2024 06:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save
    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Inspector Dixon: All at sea. Image / Greg Dixon

Inspector Dixon: All at sea. Image / Greg Dixon

Detective Inspector Dixon glared at the headline. “Top plod can’t find bod!” it said. He couldn’t argue with the accuracy, but did they really have to make the type so large?

Dixon banged his Hawkbill pipe on the side of the ashtray, his anger helping to dislodge the dottle. He repacked it slowly with the Queen of Sheba, his favoured brand of Turkish tobacco.

The story below the headline was from the same school of tacky tabloid hackery. It read:

“Bumbling bobbies are still all at sea over a missing corpse at Lush Places.

“The unknown bird is believed to be the third murder victim of a cosy crime wave that has seen four murders at the estate known to locals as the Very Poor Man’s Downton Abbey. But while residents are reeling, the boys in blue have been left scratching their heads.

“Three weeks ago, the bodies of the first two victims were found in the hallway just 24 hours apart. Both murders remain unsolved.

“Days later, feathers were found in the hallway, on the floor of the second-best bedroom and on the blanket on the second-best bed, pointing to just one thing: a third murder. But puzzled plods have been unable to find the body.

“A fourth murder has since been committed and the body of the departed was laid to rest in the garden.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

“Despite the investigation appearing to be on the last omnibus to a village called Nowhere, Detective Inspector GAS Dixon insisted he and his clueless coppers were pursuing a promising line of inquiry.

“Rumours have been rife that the Notorious Whiskers Gang, known to use the second-best bedroom as their criminal ‘pad’, are behind the cosy crime wave.

Discover more

The Good Life: Cosy crime wave

20 Jul 06:00 PM

The Good Life: Cock-a-doodle-don’t

06 Jul 05:00 PM

The Good Life: Hair today, gone tomorrow

22 Jun 05:00 PM

The Good Life: What’s in a word?

08 Jun 05:00 PM

“Asked whether this was true, Dixon demurred: ‘Speculation is the enemy of good investigation. But I would like the people of Lush Places to be assured that we have our best people on this, and we will get to the bottom of this case, or my name is not Gregory Aloysius Samson Dixon’.”

Dixon put down the paper. The rotters, he thought. The dirty, damnable rotters. To distract himself from his pique, he gave the Queen of Sheba a firm poke with his brass tamper, struck a Swan Vesta match and puffed his pipe into life.

With the Hawkbill in his mouth he always felt like a proper detective, but the truth was he wasn’t at all certain he could find the missing body. Nor was he sure that he was getting anywhere near solving these vexing murders. What is more, the Notorious Whiskers Gang were still at large.

Not for the first time, Dixon wondered what his mentor would do. He had never met Detective Chief Inspector Tom Barnaby. But after watching every episode of the documentary series Midsomer Murders he felt he knew the man better than his own face.

If Dixon had learned anything from Barnaby about cosy crime waves, it was that a detective always got his man, though not before half the county ended up in the morgue. Which meant that there could be at least one more body found at Lush Places before this sorry affair was over. And so it proved.

Sergeant Hewitson saluted. Dixon’s part-time assistant but full-time love interest had her policewoman’s bonnet pulled down low over her eyes, but he could see she was troubled. “There’s been a body found,” Hewitson said smartly.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

“I can’t believe it. A fifth murder?” Dixon said, almost to himself.

Hewitson shook her head.

“Then what?”

“You best look yourself, sir.”

He followed her into the hallway where the little body lay. There were few signs of trauma, just a funny smell.

“Do you think it’s the missing murder victim?” he asked, hopefully. Then it hit him: no, not the missing body.

“It can’t be,” Dixon cried.

“It is,” Hewitson confirmed. “There’s been interfering with a corpse. Someone’s found the fourth murder victim in the garden and brought it back into the house. But why?”

“It’s a message,” Dixon said gravely, “and it reads, ‘Catch us if you can.’”

To be continued.

Save
    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from The Listener

Listener
Listener
Book of the Day: Shattered Lands: Five Partitions and the Making of Modern Asia by Sam Dalrymple
Reviews

Book of the Day: Shattered Lands: Five Partitions and the Making of Modern Asia by Sam Dalrymple

When the British exited direct rule in India, they unleashed chaos on millions of people.

24 Sep 06:01 AM
Listener
Listener
Listener Weekly Quiz: September 24
New Zealand

Listener Weekly Quiz: September 24

23 Sep 06:00 PM
Listener
Listener
Steve Braunias on the latest Scott Watson case decision: ‘Smug complacency and stupid intransigence’
Steve Braunias
OpinionSteve Braunias

Steve Braunias on the latest Scott Watson case decision: ‘Smug complacency and stupid intransigence’

23 Sep 06:00 PM
Listener
Listener
Peter Griffin: This is the swansong of the modern smartphone era. Prepare for smart glasses.
Business

Peter Griffin: This is the swansong of the modern smartphone era. Prepare for smart glasses.

23 Sep 06:00 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Contact NZ Herald
  • Help & support
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
NZ Listener
  • NZ Listener e-edition
  • Contact Listener Editorial
  • Advertising with NZ Listener
  • Manage your Listener subscription
  • Subscribe to NZ Listener digital
  • Subscribe to NZ Listener
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotion and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • NZ Listener
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP