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Greg Dixon’s Another Kind of Politics is a weekly, mostly satirical column on politics that appears on listener.co.nz.
The country’s first one-legged cops will be hopping the beat within weeks, as the government rushes to meet its election pledge of 500 extra frontline police by this December. Around five uniped plods will be on the frontline very soon, the Police Minister, the life-like Mark Mitchell, confirmed during a “scrutiny week” hearing at Parliament.
“This latest batch of police recruits is among the finest I have seen,” Mitchell said. “I am fully confident that the ones who are one-legged, hopeless at reading and writing or have done time for murder will make great crimefighters.”
However, the recruitment of ex-murderers, people struggling with literacy and numeracy and those with only one leg has led to accusations by political opponents, the police union and legal experts that Mitchell has secretly ordered a drop in standards in a vain attempt to meet the increasingly impossible December deadline.
One opposition MP said she had been shocked during a recent visit to the Royal New Zealand Police College to be introduced to a recruit who had only one leg, his right one. “I had nothing against his right leg,” the MP said, “the trouble was, neither did he. I felt like I was in an ancient British comedy sketch rather than a classroom at the police college.”
The MP said it was clear Mitchell was desperate to find as many new police officers by December as he could and had lowered standards “to anyone with a pulse” to try to avoid an embarrassing failure for the coalition government and its much-trumpeted election pledge. A defiant Mitchell said such allegations were untrue and that new recruits such as the four ex-murderers currently being trained would bring “real-world experience” to the police.
“It is important police reflect New Zealand society, and New Zealand has loads of ex-murderers,” Mitchell maintained. “If a policeman or women has previously done time for stabbing someone to death or murdering a relative in a drunken rage, then they definitely have an understanding of right and wrong.”
Book of Revelation predicted Regulatory Standards Bill
Biblical scholars say they have strong evidence the government’s controversial Regulatory Standards Bill is “the work of the Devil”. An expert in textural analysis of the scriptures said it was clear that the Bible’s final chapter, the Book of Revelation, made reference to a “Beast with 11 seats in parliament that would bring forth two works of blasphemy” in the years of our Lord 2024 and 2025.
“We believe the first work of blasphemy was the Treaty Principles Bill. The second is the Regulatory Standards Bill, which clearly echoes the Devil’s ancient attempt to make the Lord’s Ten Commandments more friendly to libertarian sinners.”
The Biblical expert said the consensus among scholars was there are seven signs the Regulatory Standards Bill, introduced by Act leader David Seymour, originated in hell. The first was that the bill contained exactly 666 words. The second was that Seymour’s middle name was “Damien”. A third was that, historically, one of the Devil’s many titles was “the MP for Epsom”.
“The Book of Revelation says a Beast will emerge from the Earth bearing an unholy smirk and two works of blasphemy and use them to troll its enemies while encouraging its friends to vote for it at the next election. It is a plan of great cunning and of evil. We believe it can only be the work of the Devil.”
The scholars called for all those involved in the drafting of the bill as well as those who supported it to have their bodies checked for signs of the beast. A team of Catholic priests should also be brought in to perform a mass exorcism of MPs and cast out any demons found on Parliamentary grounds.
“The power of Christ compels the Prime Minister to stop this evil in its tracks,” the academic said.
Death certificate needed to claim sick leave under new Act plan
Minister for Backstabbing Women and Workers, Brooke van Velden, is working on tough new workplace provisions to stamp out what she calls “pathetic sick people”.
Van Velden said businesses and the economy were being harmed by “weak people with weak immune systems” taking up to 10 days sick leave each year. Even people who were not working full-time, had three crap jobs and were living under the poverty line were entitled to such “free money”, she said.
The minister said that under her “common sense changes”, workers would now be entitled to a “generous” one day of sick leave per year, though only if they can supply a death certificate or provide a notarised photograph of their grave.
When asked about a leaked ministry document suggesting she is also considering reintroducing serfdom and work houses, van Velden told reporters to “watch this space” with further announcements due next week.
“For far too long, heartless capitalism has been forced to subsidise this woke, cottonwool culture of treating workers like they are deserving of respect and a fair day’s pay for a fair day’s work. No longer. Act is determined to return New Zealand labour laws to the 19th century before the end of this term.”
Political quiz of the week
To whom is Health Minister Simeon Brown (right) offering a friendly pat at Taranaki Base Hospital?
A/ Louie, the nurse practitioner in charge of after-hours medical care.
B/ Ricky, the private hospital radiographer hired to clear the imaging backlog.
C/ Bobbie, the comfort dog for sacked “back office” health staff.
D/ Elon, the minister’s political adviser.
