The Listener
  • The Listener home
  • The Listener E-edition
  • Opinion
  • Politics
  • Health & nutrition
  • Arts & Culture
  • New Zealand
  • World
  • Consumer tech & enterprise
  • Food & drink

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Politics
  • Opinion
  • New Zealand
  • World
  • Health & nutrition
  • Consumer tech & enterprise
  • Art & culture
  • Food & drink
  • Entertainment
  • Books
  • Life

More

  • The Listener E-edition
  • The Listener on Facebook
  • The Listener on Instagram
  • The Listener on X

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / The Listener / Life

The Good Life: 2024 flaxes its muscle

By Greg Dixon
New Zealand Listener·
20 Jan, 2024 04:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Not coming up daisies - but certainly better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Photo / Greg Dixon

Not coming up daisies - but certainly better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. Photo / Greg Dixon

What’s that old aphorism for something being better than nothing? That it is better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick?

Well, let me tell you, that expression is pointless: everything is better than getting a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and I have just had the extremely pointed experience to prove it.

Barely a couple of weeks into the year, it appears that 2024 has already got it in for me with the occurrence of what can only be described as the most freakish accident of my apparently accident-prone life.

It happened while I was taking care of business outside – and no, I don’t mean the septic tank is full again and we’re back to using the Thunder Box in the second-best woodshed. The “business” was our 16 cubic metres of firewood that we acquired before the new year from John up the road.

Most of it is lying in three great piles out near the tractor shed in a spot which, with El Niño finally delivering Wairarapa its first hot summer in three years, is currently getting more afternoon sun than Saudi Arabia. However, a few days of gentle rain and high winds just before New Year’s Eve sent me rushing out to cover our precious seasoning firewood – it set us back $1500 – with tarpaulins.

Days later, with the sun having set out its shingle again, the tarps needed removing, and it was while struggling with these clumsy giants that 2024 decided to set out its shingle as well.

As I stood with my back to a row of large, mature flaxes while trying to haul the covers back from the wood, I moved my head sideways, leading one old, long-dried, spear-shaped flax leaf to sneak from outside of my peripheral vision and into my eye through the gap between my left cheek and my glasses. While debating whether I should be more shocked or surprised by this turn of events, my eye cast the deciding ballot: it decided it was painful.

After squirting yellow dye into the poor, sore thing the following morning, a nurse declared that I had managed to scratch the cornea, which meant my firewood-tarpaulin fiasco would have me spend the next couple of days “looking like a pirate” with an eye patch.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

“Shiver me timbers,” I announced in a vain attempt to be cheerful. Even with just one of my eyes working, I could see her roll her own.

Days before 2024 poked me in the eye with a sharp stick, 2023 had a go as well. Just after new year, the bill for the event which nearly stole Christmas – discovering the septic tank was full again – arrived in our inbox.

If you’ve ever wondered how much it costs to get rid of 4.4 tonnes of poo, I can tell you: it is $921.87. That includes GST because even if the service is poo, the government must have its cut.

Why the tank needed emptying again after just three years is still something of a mystery. Glenn, the bloke who did the emptying, suggested it could be overzealous use of the wrong kind of cleaning products.

Pete, a reader from Central Otago, had a different thought. Thanks to his own travails at “Arid Ranch”, as he called it, he is now a “bit of a septic tank expert” and suggested that our tank’s grey water outflow could be the problem, possibly due to a partial or full blockage.

Meanwhile, Pru, our friend and la présidente of the Donkey and Mule Protection Trust, said what we needed was a septic tank wonder drug, made in Cardiff of all places, which apparently restores and maintains the thing’s “natural biological process”.

When I asked for it at the store Pru recommended, one of the two blokes at the counter said, “It ain’t cheap,” before informing me that the six, small water-soluble sachets would set me back nearly $65. I must have grimaced like I’d just been poked in the eye with a sharp stick because the other bloke at the counter smiled and said, “Oh, well, it’s not like you’re flushing it down the toilet.”

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from The Listener

LISTENER
30 Under 30 - the young New Zealanders shaping our future

30 Under 30 - the young New Zealanders shaping our future

06 Jul 06:05 PM

From advocacy and arts to science and sport, meet our most promising young NZers.

LISTENER
Why local musician has the wind in her sails

Why local musician has the wind in her sails

09 Jul 06:00 PM
LISTENER
Does junk food cause teenage acne?

Does junk food cause teenage acne?

09 Jul 06:00 PM
LISTENER
The Bigger Picture: End of the rainbow

The Bigger Picture: End of the rainbow

09 Jul 06:00 PM
LISTENER
Meet New Zealand's new reading ambassador

Meet New Zealand's new reading ambassador

09 Jul 06:00 PM
NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Contact NZ Herald
  • Help & support
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
NZ Listener
  • NZ Listener e-edition
  • Contact Listener Editorial
  • Advertising with NZ Listener
  • Manage your Listener subscription
  • Subscribe to NZ Listener digital
  • Subscribe to NZ Listener
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotion and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • NZ Listener
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP