ROOMS AT THE INN
Perhaps unusually, but this year, unsurprisingly, at the beginning of November, there was plenty of accommodation still to be had in Bethlehem, the spot south of Jerusalem that is alleged to be the site of the inn that was full at the time of the first Christmas.
On that occasion, the Holy Family were put up in an adjacent stable where, no crib for a bed, the little lord Jesus lay down his sweet head.
Today, visitors can stay at the likes of the Lotus Boutique Hotel, just 1.3km from Manger Square. There were also plenty of beds free at the House of Peace hostel. Paradoxically, we couldn’t find any actual stables offering accommodation in the region, although the King David Stables offer horseback trail rides and riding lessons.
GOLD, FRANKINCENSE AND MYRRH
Looking for that special gift for that hard to please messiah in your life? If you’d like to replicate the first Christmas gifts ever, you can. Traders at the time of writing were offering gold at about US$2654 (NZ$4544) an ounce. It would have been a much more economical gift a year earlier, when it was trading 33% lower. The precious metal is widely available in many forms, although, alas, the much-prized “comedy gold” is increasingly hard to find.
Frankincense, an aromatic resin, is most likely to be found today in essential oils and even – on Temu, admittedly – fuelling an eau de toilette for men. According to stockist iherb.com, “the liquid solidifies on contact with air into globular chunks, or ‘tears’. When ground, frankincense powder quickly hardens again upon air exposure.” So, probably not right for that special person if they would prefer a low-maintenance gift.
Myrrh, on the other hand, can be had from purenature.co.nz, which describes it as “a powerful antimicrobial and antiseptic, and has anti-inflammatory, astringent and healing properties that make it one of the best essential oils for chronic or slow-to-heal wounds and cracked, weeping skin, including eczema, athlete’s foot and mouth ulcers”. Perfect for that dermatologically challenged special someone.
ANGELS HEARD ON HIGH
The Catholic Church, in accordance with its unrepentantly traditionalist leanings, officially insists on the existence of angels, whether sweetly singing o’er the plains or engaged in any one of numerous other seasonal pastimes. According to the Catechism of the Catholic Church (second edition), “the existence of the spiritual, non corporeal beings that Sacred Scripture usually calls angels is a truth of faith … As purely spiritual creatures, angels have intelligence and will: they are personal and immortal creatures surpassing in perfection all visible creatures, as the splendour of their glory bears witness … Angels have been present since creation.” So, basically, they’re really well-connected influencers.
SNOW BUSINESS
It does not snow here at Christmastime. In fact, despite the ubiquity of snow in Christmas imagery, it does not snow in most places. It conspicuously does not snow anywhere near Bethlehem, where the average daytime high on December 25 is a mild 15°C. If you are hellbent on having a white Christmas, your best bet is to head for Russia, where there is a 65% chance of snow. It is one of just 67 of the world’s 195 countries where a snowfall is a possibility. Only four others have a better than 50% chance: Belarus, Lithuania, Estonia and Finland.
According to the UK Met Office, a form of meteorological gerrymandering some years back played a part in keeping snowy numbers down: “White Christmases were more frequent in the 18th and 19th centuries, even more so before the change of calendar in 1752, which effectively brought Christmas Day back by 12 days.”
TRUE NORTH
What’s it really like at the North Pole at Christmas? It’s freezing, of course. Not only will you not catch a glimpse of Santa, Mrs Claus or even a disoriented elf wandering aimlessly around in the 24-hour darkness, you may have to contend with temperatures of colder than 40°C below. No wonder Santa wants to get away for a while. Also, there are polar bears.
You’re more likely to encounter a ream of climate scientists, as this is a focus for the study of climate change. Where better to investigate global warming than one of the coldest places on Earth? It’s also quite easy to find, being latitude 90° north and longitude All of Them, because all longitudes converge here.
That’s part of what being a pole is all about: once you’re here, the only way to go is south. For the same reason, it’s also any time you like, according to a report in Scientific American which explained that the 24 time zones collide at a single point, rendering them meaningless. It’s simultaneously all of Earth’s time zones and none of them.
The same article claimed – perhaps not quite so convincingly – that the North Pole is further from civilisation than the International Space Station. Cool, eh?
ONE SLEIGH AT A TIME
If you’re looking for a sleigh solution for your gift delivery needs, you can’t do better than the fully rigged towing toboggan from Northern Toboggan Company, priced at just US$1495 (NZ$2562). “The hand-sewn thick canvas bag helps to secure large and irregular loads while shedding snow on trail,” says the marketing, and it’s lightweight construction makes it ideal for landing on all kinds of roofs.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN REINDEER?
But those sleighs aren’t going to pull themselves. The good news is that the global reindeer population is thriving. According to worldpopulationreview.com (which, yes, also covers reindeer), “The global reindeer population is estimated to be 2,890,400 as of 2023, shared between all countries included in the species’ range: Canada, Finland, Greenland, Mongolia, Norway, Russia, United States as well as in international polar regions. … Eurasia, primarily Russia, supports one million reindeer, often forming super herds of 50,000 to 500,000.”
Please bear in mind that because of their highly migratory nature, it is a bit hard to remember which country the reindeer you counted were in, or to know if they may have ambled over into another country and ended up skewing the total. Fortunately, Santa prides himself on checking it twice.
OH, CAROL!
Often accused – sorry, credited – with inventing the traditional Christmas with the plum pudding and the carol singing and the bonhomie mandates with A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens also left us the most popular secular seasonal story of all. In Ebenezer Scrooge, he created a character for the ages, a recognisable individual who was also an archetype and, indeed, a role model for some. Like the indisputably superior rest of his work, A Christmas Carol is still in print, although his other Christmas stories, of which there are many, are harder to come by.
A Christmas Carol has been filmed more than 100 times, starring everyone from Alastair Sim and Albert Finney to The Muppets and Mr Magoo.
And it’s not over yet. A headline in Variety last January announced: “Bend It Like Beckham director Gurinder Chadha to Make A Christmas Carol Adaptation With Tory-Voting, ‘Refugee-Hating’ Indian Scrooge.” The movie’s current title is Christmas Karma.
In London in 2022, there were 11 live productions, including a Dolly Parton musical and a Sherlock Holmes hybrid. This year in Christchurch, you could catch A Dickens Christmas Carol – a Cashmere High School junior school production. New Plymouth Little Theatre is putting it on, and Waipukurau Little Theatre produced A Christmas Carol – But Not As You Know It. God help us, everyone.
NOG DAY AFTERNOON
Long believed to be a myth by people who could not credit that anything so, um, misjudged could be concocted from such innocent ingredients, eggnog has gradually been making inroads into local Christmas bills of fare.
The best recipe, adapted from one by Samuel Johnson, involves careful selection of eggs, caster sugar, milk, cream, rum and nutmeg, all of which should be combined and then tipped down the sink.
COUNTRIES THAT REALLY, REALLY HATE CHRISTMAS
As it is still a Christian festival – in theory at least – Christmas is frowned upon in many countries where the faith is under a cloud. You will not get a day off if you live in Afghanistan, Algeria, Bhutan, North Korea, Libya, Mauritania, Sahrawi Arab Democratic Republic, Saudi Arabia, Somalia, Tajikistan, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Uzbekistan or Yemen.
That’s a handy list if you want to plan a holiday itinerary to avoid Christmas altogether, or just like to do your banking at an actual branch. Celebrating Christmas is illegal in Tajikistan, Brunei, Somalia and North Korea.
WAS STEALING CHRISTMAS REALLY JUST A CRY FOR HELP?
In an “abnormal psychology” course at Florida State College at Jacksonville, students make a close examination of the Grinch’s mental state. The conclusion: he suffers from antisocial personality disorder, based on observation of symptoms including, but not limited to: a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others, deceitfulness as indicated by repeated lying, use of aliases, conning others for personal profit or pleasure, impulsive behaviour or failure to plan ahead, irritability and aggressiveness, reckless disregard for the safety of self or others, repeated failure to sustain consistent work behaviour or honour financial obligations and lack of remorse.
On our very own
CHRISTMAS TREE
Storied in, well, stories, and its praises sung in, well, songs, the pōhutukawa (Metrosideros excelsa) was first identified as New Zealand’s very own native Christmas tree in 1857, according to nzhistory.govt.nz. On that occasion, “flowers of the scarlet pōhutukawa, or ‘Christmas tree’ " were used as decoration at a feast put on by Ngāpuhi leader Eurera Patuone.
Until recently, it has been classed as threatened and, according to the Department of Conservation, “although the fortunes of pōhutukawa and rātā have changed for the better, they are still threatened by people and pests”. They are prone to the fungal disease myrtle rust (being themselves myrtles) and are regarded as a delicacy by possums.
Habitat loss has also put pressure on them. Last year, however, RNZ reported on a mast seeding event, which meant lots of seeds were produced, and the pōhutukawa seems to be out of the woods for now.
HO HO NO!
How is the global Christmas card industry doing? A report on alibaba.com does not mince words; nor can it be accused of seasonal sentimental hypocrisy, stating that Christmas cards “provide a strategic advantage in fostering relationships and enhancing brand perception”.
There is some good news, with growth “particularly pronounced in sectors that value bespoke and artisanal products”. So expect a card from your microbrewery.
Overall, however, the news is not good. In 2020, experts valued the global greeting cards market at US$23 billion, and they expected it to shrink to US$20.9 billion by 2026.
DAY OF THE DEAD
As any funeral director knows, December 25 is about the promise of eternal life in more ways than one. It is almost guaranteed that members of the profession will have their own family celebrations interrupted by a call to attend to the sudden death of someone else’s loved one. One theory is that those nearing the end go all out to hang on for one last Christmas, even if they don’t quite get to the end of the day.
Christmas is also inevitably a big day for A&E centres, when many seasonally related injuries are recorded. Among entertainers who, as it were, took their last bows on the day are: WC Fields, Eartha Kitt and Dean Martin. For reasons best known to themselves, the executioners of Romanian dictators Nicolae and Elena Ceausescu chose December 25 to despatch them in 1989.