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MAFS relationship expert John Aiken joins listener.co.nz to share sound advice and top tips on finding and maintaining relationships. Here, he talks about rekindled love: whether exes can get back together and go the distance.
So, you’ve been single for a while, learning to stand on your own feet again and getting familiar with dating. Then out of the blue you bump into your ex and sparks begin to fly. There’s a connection, a chemistry and a familiarity. They look amazing and seem different.
Old warm feelings start flooding back and you go away thinking, “Maybe we should try again?” But can you successfully reunite with an old flame and make it last forever?
The answer is yes. But to do it successfully requires a new approach. The most challenging part of this process is the old habits. It’s so easy to fall into bed with an ex and start again from where you left off.
No real discussion of the past. No idea of how you’re going to do it differently. Instead, you just repeat the same old destructive patterns. And the result is another painful break-up. You have to change the script if it’s going to work.
So, if you’re considering getting back with your ex, you both need to take a moment, step back and create a new plan of attack. Follow the steps below and give yourself every opportunity to finally make it work out this time.
1. Spend lots of time together
You have been apart for a while and while you might both seem different, how can you really tell? Do your research and create opportunities to be in each other’s company. Organise to hang out in different settings, at different times of the day and with different people as well as one on one. You want to know how you get along. Do you really click, and are things different? Or are you both, in fact, the same people with the same issues? It’s only through spending time together in different surroundings that you’ll get the answers.
2. Take it slowly
One of the key dangers in the early stages of reuniting with your ex is that you move things too quickly. There’s a familiarity with each other. You have old feelings that are being stirred up again and everything can seem so easy and smooth. With this high level of comfort, it then becomes a “no brainer” to take it to the bedroom and get naked; to move in together and start seeing each other’s friends and family. But be warned. This will move it forward too quickly, before you’ve really had a chance to change the script, and you’ll set it up again to fail. Instead, take things slowly and let this relationship grow. There’s no hurry here.
3. Understand what went wrong
This must occur for you to have any chance of successfully getting back with your ex. The past matters. The problems that broke you up have to be thoroughly identified, dissected and discussed. You both have to put your hands up and take responsibility for your role in the break-up. No excuses. Be honest and open about what destroyed your relationship and what can never happen again (eg, heavy drinking, long work hours, cheating, problem in-laws, lack of sex, criticism and anger, gambling, being socially withdrawn, etc).
4. Apologise and forgive
Once you know what went wrong, it will be important for you both to apologise for past hurts and forgive each other for the things that were said and done. Very often when break-ups occur, a lot of damage can be done in the process. Cruel words, emotional shut-down, cheating, lies and screaming matches. You don’t tend to hold back because you don’t expect to be reconciling. So when you face the prospect of getting back together, you need to apologise for what went down, be accountable and remorseful, and forgive each other. You can’t brush over this, otherwise resentment and hurt will get in the way of creating a new future together.
5. Correct old mistakes
Once you’ve dissected the past, you then need to turn your attention to doing things. This is the time when you both must get clear about how you’re going to change your relationship, so the old problem patterns don’t re-occur. Answer the question “what do we need to do differently moving forward to experience a healthier relationship?” This is the time for new rules about how things will run between the both of you. Change the old, and you will have a chance with the new. If you keep the same script, your relationship will fail again.
6. Declare your commitment
It’s important that during this process you sit down and have a clear discussion about commitment. You don’t want to be trying to reunite if one or both of you are unsure about the long term. Be clear on how committed you are to this new relationship. Do you really want this? If so, what will you do differently? If you’re not on the same page about this, don’t waste your time. It won’t work. In the end, you need to be black and white about your commitment. Are you in or are you out?
7. Share your feelings
As you spend more time together you need to start to express exactly how you feel about each other. It’s no good assuming you’re both in the same place in terms of emotions. You might think your feelings are shared, but this might not be the case. You have to ask. You need to find out if they feel the same way as you do. If neither of you can be clear about this then there will be plenty of problems ahead. So take a deep breath and let your feelings out for one another. It will set you up well for the future.
8. Have similar expectations/ values
During this process there needs to be an open and honest discussion about your relationship expectations. Get everything on the table. Before this goes any further tell each other about what’s important to you in your relationship values and beliefs. Identify any deal-breakers, the things you simply cannot put up with in a relationship. You need to agree on these. For instance, where do you stand on marriage, cheating, childcare, fitness, drinking and smoking? How many kids do you want, what makes for a good parent, how important is religion and spirituality, and in what way should finances and housework be shared?
9. Maintain your independence
So many singles have a bad habit of letting go of their own identity when they fall in love. They lose contact with their friends, family and independent interests to be available to the needs of their partner. It creates clinginess and neediness and you run the risk of burning out the relationship. So when you decide to get back with your ex, spending lots of time together doesn’t mean giving up your independence. Keep seeing your friends separately, pursue your own individual interests and continue to have some space to enjoy your own company. This will give a good balance to your new relationship and will ensure you don’t lose yourself in the process.
10. Create a shared future vision
One of the key elements to making things work a second time around is having a vision of where you both want to head. This means creating clear goals as a couple that drive you forward to get a different outcome. No longer can you afford to just drift along and get into old familiar habits in your relationship. That will ultimately break you up again. Instead, be specific about what you want to achieve as a couple in the following areas: finance, friendships, family, careers, living arrangements, travel, children, parenting, health and fitness and your own intimate relationship. Then take clear steps each day to make this happen.
Best known as one of the Married At First Sight’s experts, John Aiken trained in the field of relationships and has been working with singles and couples for nearly 30 years. He focuses on giving hard-hitting advice to empower people in their relationships. He is a speaker, runs exclusive retreats, and is a bestselling author. Elements of this article first appeared in John Aiken’s regular column in Next magazine.
