Wyn Drabble: One step at a time in the name of research

Wyn Drabble says his latest research project may need some funding.

OPINION

I have a new project that requires research so I’m going to need some funding please.

Of course, there will be clipboard and white coat expenses and some huge salaries to pay, probably at consultancy rates. There will also be miscellaneous costs such as morning teas, snacks and stationery items.

I first discovered this need last week when I sat down on a bench seat to rest my weary legs for a moment. The seat was beside a busy pedestrian walkway so was a good spot for some serious people watching. And, as it turned out, listening.

The sound I noticed was one I could not immediately identify. It was insistent and squeaky and came at varying volumes. It was definitely not catalogued in my mental library of sounds.

It was only when what must have been a school sports team walked past that I identified the source of the sound. I was aided by the fact that they were all wearing the same type of footwear. Yes, the sound was what I shall refer to as jogger sole squeak (JSS for short).

It’s not a scientific measurement I know but my observation told me that joggers were by far the most popular type of footwear passing me and it was clear that they were the only type emitting this sound.

I am lucky there was no jandal sole squeak evident because that would have required the same acronym which could have become very confusing.

Even if there was only one jogger wearer passing, the sound was clearly audible. The school sports team therefore created the footwear equivalent of a symphony orchestra. Their supervising teacher was the conductor.

Wyn Drabble

I came up with a grading system but it was easier to use for a single case of JSS. It was more difficult to apply when multiple jogger-wearers were passing at the same time.

Grade 1: JSS was audible without being intrusive

Grade 2: JSS was loud and clear.

Grade 3: JSS bordered on being annoying and caused heads to turn to find the source of the disturbance.

So how does this merit the injection of funds for research? I believe it would benefit consumers in the same way as the mild, medium or hot categorisation used in curry houses. Customers would get exactly what they wanted.

Customers who enjoyed irritating people and attracting attention to themselves would, of course, look for the JSS3 stamp on their purchase. Medium curry or undecided customers would look for JSS2 and perhaps a JSS2e could be a later development for those who want extremely medium sole squeak.

JSS1 would be for the rather shy and retiring purchasers who did not want to draw attention to themselves. Call them pussy footers if you wish.

For meaningful comparison I would like to tell you about some other real research topics that have been granted funding. Knee surgery can interfere with your jogging was one. There can be multiple causes of death in very old people was another.

I’ll list just another four:

· Stockholm University completed a study showing that chickens don’t like ugly people.

· Another university showed us that rats prefer jazz to Beethoven but only if they are on cocaine.

· A third study concentrated on how far penguins can project their poop.

· A British scientist spent six months teaching a tortoise to yawn.

So I hope you will now agree that I’ve found a worthwhile research project, at least as worthwhile as some I have just described. I’ll proceed one little step at a time but, overall, I think it could be a giant leap for mankind.

The only problem I can foresee is penguins pooping on the joggers.

Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, a writer, musician and public speaker.