Ardern: Ah... well... to see you... And then to Davos for the World Economic Forum. I'm speaking about climate change.
May: That's right, you're big on climate change. Good for you. Is that why you wanted to see me?
Ardern: Um... no... it's because we'd like to negotiate a free trade agreement.
May: Who would?
Ardern: New Zealand.
May: Oh... you know things are very hectic at the moment with this Brexit mess.
Ardern: A free trade deal with us would be something positive.
May: Might be easier to negotiate, I suppose. What's the size of your economy?
Ardern: Around 270 billion New Zealand dollars.
May: Did you know that the size of the German economy is $5 trillion? And that's in US dollars. Curses to Cameron and his referendum. Bloody democracy! What a disaster...
Ardern: What we'd like is to secure better market access for our dairy, lamb, wine and...
May: Oh, yes, I love your sauvignon blancs. Been hitting them hard lately actually. But what's in it for us?
Ardern: We could make exceptions to our ban on foreigners buying land and houses. And holidays, we love hosting British tourists. We could make it easier for you to come to New Zealand. No airport taxes...
May: Mmm... it's a long way to New Zealand... aren't we going to be burning up lots of jet fuel, I thought you wanted to reduce carbon emissions?
Ardern: Well, yes.
May: Come to think of it, we have our own farmers and the French make some pretty good wine. They're a lot closer to us.
Ardern: I know, I know... but it's what I have to say... Everywhere I go, it's will you take our dairy products, our meat, our trees, come and visit our beautiful country... I feel like a fraud sometimes.
May: There, there, it's tough being the leader of a country. I didn't vote for Brexit, yet here I am. I'm sure you're doing good work. Tell us more about your trip to Davos.
Ardern: It's a bit of coup, really. I'm on the climate change panel with Al Gore. And David Attenborough, we love him in New Zealand!
May: Sounds delightful. I can't go, unfortunately, this damn Brexit thing again. Anyway, would chat more, but I've got a meeting with the Russian ambassador next. We might need a trade deal with them, they've got lots of oil and gas you know. Hey, we should do our next meeting by video hook-up. Then you could stay in New Zealand and not use all that jet fuel. Wouldn't that be great?
Ardern: Ah... yeah... but face-to-face is so much better don't you think?
May: Just a thought, it's so confusing sometimes, this climate change thing, I never know what we should be doing. Do you follow Trump on Twitter? God, he's a laugh. Wish I could get away with some of the stuff he says.
Ardern: No, I don't follow him. My deputy prime minister usually keeps me updated though. Thanks for your time.
■ Vaughan Gunson is a writer and poet interested in social justice and big issues facing the planet.
