The "dad bod" diet

The "dad bod" diet

If you're reading this while sipping a Saturday morning hot chocolate with marshmallow and eating $15 bacon and eggs with Hollandaise sauce instead of climbing Mt Manaia, you may possibly have a Dad Bod. Anyone can have a Dad Bod, not just males. Women and children can acquire Dad Bods if they follow the steps below. Hell, even my guinea pig has a Dad Bod.
If you're not aware of what a dad bod is, Google Image it. You'll encounter a lot of pictures of man boobs and men with the kind of bumbag-shaped gut that has two straps of fat over the hips. As males, we are blessed that our belly fat forms a shape vaguely like the kind of championship belt you'd get from a WWE, boxing or UFC title, or maybe the belt they'd give you if you won a hotdog eating contest. It's empowering fat.

UrbanDictionary.com explains the wonders of the Dad Bod like this:

"Dad Bod is a male body type that is best described as 'softly round.' It's built upon the theory that once a man has found a mate and fathered a child, he doesn't need to worry about maintaining a sculpted physique. The dad bod is more mudslide than mountain, more soft-serve than sorbet, more sad trombone than clarinet, more mashed potato than skinny fry. The dad bod is built for comfort."

Urban Dictionary then gives this crystalline example: "I miss Chris Pratt's dad bod from before he was on Guardians of the Galaxy."

If anyone reading this has one of those annoying bodies with too many abs, you can start gaining your Dad Bod today by following this Dad Bod Diet

Monday 7.30pm: On top of your own brekky, eat the kids' abandoned Crunchy Nut Cornflakes because every bowl is worth $5. Drive to school; drive home. Eat the kids' lunchbox scraps to reduce food waste. Watch the daylight dwindle til it's too dark to go jogging. DO NOT GET ANY EXERCISE.

Tuesday 7am: Write parenting columns for hours, snacking constantly.

Wednesday: Stay up late online cancelling your automatic payments to the gym because the last time you went, the beautiful twentysomethings with tight skin and no kids made you feel gross, so now you despise all exercise.

Thursday 8.30pm: Thursday night beers with the boys to commiserate about how exhausting it is being a parent. Scoff chips because you don't smoke any more but you have to have something in your hand to accompany the beer.

Friday 6pm: Collapse on the couch with a bucket of KFC and forget about work. Slurp KFC potato & gravy. Later, drive somewhere to watch the rugby. Drink bourbon with sweet, sugary cola. Get Burger King on the drive home to sober up.

Saturday 10.30am: Waddle after your kids along the Hatea Loop on their bikes. Eat the kids' ice creams when they run off to play.

Sunday: Presto, Dad Bod!!!