Roger Moroney.
I have determined that there is one song, or rather the derivation of a popular old song, that the movers and shakers within the global oil industry won't be singing.
It is ... Oh, I Do Like to Drive Beside the Seaside.
These multimillion-dollar wage-packet chaps will happily sing the right and proper version as I daresay most of them have a home or apartment by the seaside ... but no way would they ever condone some bright spark building a car engine which ran on the very stuff they liked to see the sun rise and set over and paddle their well-heeled heels in. Oh no, no, no.
Now I am not one for the theory of the conspiracy theory, but there have been some colourful stories emerge through the past decades about seemingly remarkable new forms of engine power getting, shall we say, sidetracked by multibillion-dollar corporations.
That curious and brilliant chap by the name of Nikola Tesla did some astonishing stuff with electricity, but word has it he was warned away from trying to run early automobiles with the sparky stuff.
The oil barons of the 1920s and 30s felt nervous apparently.
As they probably did when scientific boffins began tinkering with alternative power sources like hydrogen ... cars running on water?
If I were to put a conspiracy theorist hat on, I would argue that perhaps it is the oil companies which are standing in the way of the proposed Ruataniwha dam - which if the hydrogen lads get their way could become the biggest fuel station in Central Hawke's Bay. Just bear with me - the molecules of reality will eventually return to my watered-down brain.
Going back to the electricity auto power though, it is becoming more and more prevalent as "hybrids" continue to arrive, along with totally designated electric cars - and motorcycles.
At the wonderful Isle of Man TT races, there is an event for electric-powered race bikes ... and the most advanced of them can wrap a lap of the island circuit up at an average speed of 160kmh. So yep, they can go all right.
And then, the other day, I was sent a most intriguing email about a beautiful-looking automotive device called a Quant e-Sportlimousine. It has the smooth, sultry and sassy sports look of the finest Ferrari or Maserati yet it does not have an engine with a lot of moving parts. And the engine has never sniffed a litre of petrol in its fast-developing life.
Because (and here we are back at the seaside) it is claimed that it runs on salt water.
Having failed terribly at science it is beyond me to explain exactly how this thing works (if it does) except that the salted water liquid passes through a membrane between two tanks and that creates an electric charge which is capable of powering four electric motors. The tanks, 200-litre jobs, can provide the car with a range of 600km and, yep, it is just saltwater in them.
In the company's press release it states that "sports cars may not have the best reputation for being environmentally friendly but this sleek machine has been designed to reach 350kmh - using nothing but saltwater".
"The efficiency of the system reaches 80 per cent since the car has almost no moving parts in it, and the produced waste heat is insignificant in comparison with cars powered by lithium-ion batteries."
They reckon that alternative energy technologies, such as the salty electrolyte flow cell system, will become more mainstream and that such technologies will help solve any future energy crisis - "and usher a new age in which we can live without worrying about not having access to cheap and clean energy".
So, mmmm.
Could that mean it could be adapted to run power in homes and businesses?
If it could, with so much seawater out there, it could be rather interesting (until some brute puts a tax on the stuff).
I looked up salt and one thing which was noted was that it is "an essential nutrient for human health via its role as an electrolyte and osmotic solute". In moderation of course, and there's that word "electrolyte" again.
It's always been there. I can see the sparkling line-up from the land of the rising sun already.
The Subaru Sodium ... and the Mazda Iodised ... and the off-road Toyota Shaker.
And I can hear people in local cafes asking for a glass of water. "Oh and could you put a teaspoon of salt in it please ... the car's getting a bit low and we've got to get back to Takapau tonight."
- Roger Moroney is an award-winning journalist for Hawke's Bay Today and observer of the slightly off-centre.