Nickie Muir: Year of the trouser snake?

Nickie Muir.

While some among you may believe that 2016 is the year of the Monkey - I have looked deep for the signs and portents and know that this is only half the truth.

The stars tell me that this is, in fact; the Year of the Penis. The writing is on the wall.

Actually it's not. It's sprayed in insecticide on the football field of Kerikeri and the local council is wondering what to do about the giant phallus that has been created.

No one's talking about aliens but they should be. Especially if you define teenage boys as aliens - lovable but ultimately mysterious and difficult to ascertain whether or not they will develop into intelligent life forms in one's own lifetime.

A year into going back into teaching in secondary schools I know that visually the year will be festooned with the phallus.

Boys will draw them on white-boards and on the back of books.

One will open a copy of Jane Eyre only to be greeted by the one-eyed trouser snake winking happily from the title page.

A legion of personified penises will be tagged along abandoned places doing all manner of unlikely things and a pageant of penisdom will be secretly installed in any power-point that clueless teachers leave unattended.

Penises are obviously hilarious but also psycho-socially intriguing.

I asked a colleague if there was any scientific reason why girls don't spend the academic year drawing vaginas on everything.

He said; 'Let me think about that.' And he did. "Well ... Burkert (1982) argues that male chimpanzees employ phallic demonstrations - show off their **** essentially - to mark territory. Like, look, this land is protected by healthy males; you better **** off now. In Roman Italy, **** were used as apotropaic symbols on amulets, statues, vases, etc., ie, thought to protect from evil (Moser, 2006).

So, I suppose our boys aren't trying to achieve more than, well, leaving their mark and making themselves a home.

Try researching the other part of the question. Google; "girls draw vagina". Honestly, Google it, see what comes up, find out what you have to do to proceed - and then let's have an intelligent discussion about algorithmic sexism.

You've got to love German scientists.

Mr Key was reportedly appalled at the throwing of a giant dildo (was it giant girls or do I just have low expectations?) at the head of our revered Minister of Economy Mr Stephen Joyce.

I wondered if this was a visual metaphor for him being a dickhead in offering 10 bridges in a region lacking in things like adequate housing and health services.

Apparently it was a metaphor for "violating sovereignty" over the TPPA.

I would have paid attention but there is something delightfully distracting about a free willy moment that involves a senior politician and I couldn't really concentrate.

My point is that it could have been a lot worse, John. Like if you'd come to Waitangi and someone had thrown a giant rubber vulva in your direction.

How would that metaphor have been translated?