Nickie Muir.
All I want for Christmas is ... not my two front teeth exactly but a dental implant without having to go to Thailand would be nice.
"We always get you the same things for Christmas, Mum - tell me what you really want but not, like, weird stuff.
"What's the point of getting to write a Santa check-list if you can't get a little weird? While we're with dental work: a universal check and polish for beneficiaries would be nice - along with punishment by stoning to the makers of blue lollipops."
If there was a PhD in eye-rolling, teenage girls would all have one. Apparently Santa doesn't do stoning so I've written a Christmas list and taken out the naughty bits:
* I wish John Key a new job with Shanghai CRED Resort on Karikari Peninsula working on the 3000 hectare development in paradise. Apparently a 1500-seater restaurant is half-finished and there are plans for hundreds of chalets. I say apparently because no one seems to know. I'd like to hear more about how water will be supplied and how things like sewerage infrastructure will be paid for on what is effectively a large sandbank. Or are we going to follow the development strategy of Whangarei District Council for Marsden City? Is that sinking infrastructure still listed as an asset or liability on council books? Perhaps it's actually a retirement village or work options for resigning National MPs; it's certainly provided gainful employment for one other MP.
* A new Ministry of Swamps and put Judith in charge. Surely there's a space after Bill's card trick (now you see me, now you don't) and the great Ministry of Housing heist? Journos won't ask about a housing crisis any more. Yay! When they ask about the continued destructive mining of swamp kauri in Northland under National, an industry Oravida had an interest in, and Judith says: "Do I look like the Minister of Swamps to you?!" They can say: "Yes!"
* I'd like Syria to stop. All of it. And I'd like the media to stop using words like "victory" in relation to any of it - especially not to Assad's regime that told all of us what it stood for when it chlorine gassed thousands of its own people in 2013.
* I wish New Zealanders would realise the reason we come top of any anti-corruption league tables is because they only measure public perception of corruption, not whether it actually exists. We are blind to what corruption looks like because historically we haven't had much of it. Not perceiving it helps it to flourish.
* I'd like magical pixie glitter to rain on every single volunteer and may happiness stalk you. For the hours you spend with kids on a Saturday sailing, playing sport, encouraging them and not strangling their annoying parents. For making money come out of nowhere for kids who don't have the gear. For the smiles in bad weather and general Santa-like goodwill that you spread every day.
Merry Christmas!