In my day, school report cards did not mince words to mollycoddle fragile little darlings or confuse litigious parents.
In similar spirit, here's Prime Minister John Key's report for 2015.
Oral. John has plenty to say on behalf of all New Zealanders. His pronunciation - which often compresses syllables into sausage meat - would benefit from speech therapy.
He can glibly trot out Isis brides at the drop of a US military request. Quick with quips catering to the lowest common denominator, John might consider a career in stand-up comedy, or perhaps car sales. C+
Written. We have not sighted any prose (or poetry) we are confident is John's original work. Apparently he pays a huddle of crack spin doctors to produce his essays behind the bike sheds. F
John is gifted at creative book-keeping. The team he led in the enterprise module has been engaged in selling off school property and employing juniors on subsistence wages to bully anyone who arrives at school without shoes or lunch. While we cannot condone these outcomes, his calculations are faultless. A
John lacks empathy for anyone unlike himself except famous sportspeople. If the only good reason for government is to take from the rich to give to the poor, John's mission is the opposite. While fostering elite private wealth, he deflects attention by persuading sycophantic middle classes to point the finger at the poor.
When the Treasury predicted a growing deficit due to drought and low dairy prices, animal activists publicised animal cruelty on the global stage, flagship privatisation experiments such as charter schools and prisons went belly up, a couple of court findings reflected possible political interference and child poverty reached an all time high under his stewardship - he blamed drug dependency.
Though he could show political leadership by turning at least the cannabis aspect of our ridiculous recreational drug laws around by legalising the weed for fun, profit, savings and employment for many, clearly he prefers demonisation while hypocritically milking tobacco tax from addicted scapegoats.
To obtain an essential NCEA credit, he must repeat this unit of social studies next year by working in the kitchen with volunteers providing free fruit at the low decile schools. F
John is co-operative in front of an audience but his heart is not in our school's climate-change projects. He condemned the worm farm on health and safety grounds, encourages others to prospect for oil in the precious school bush, and appears to believe he can continue doing wheelies around the sports-grounds in his souped-up car as long as he pays carbon credits to the caretaker. This will not do. It's time John got his hands dirty. F
John did not turn up for this class. He maintains education is solely for vocational training and has campaigned vociferously to wipe from the curriculum subjects not directly applicable to students becoming grist to the money-go-round by obtaining low-paid employment. He does not wish the masses to waste their time thinking. Not marked.
NB, Latin will not be offered next year. Students wishing to pursue this subject will have to study by correspondence or attend private schools.