Editorial: Take the high way to hell

Some global travel service I've never heard of has conducted a survey about what upsets people most when travelling by plane.

Despite the many irritants one can experience, especially on long-haul flights, this poll focused only on the person sitting next to you.

Of course this can be an issue, as anyone knows who has sat next to an oversize passenger whose cellulite squeezes into every nook and cranny of the seat and oozes through any gaps and whose arm the size of a walrus hogs the teensy armrest that separates you. (No, I have never experienced the pleasure of business or first-class flight.)

But very large people only earned second place in the top 10 irritants. We'll come to the No1 peeve soon, but first let us look further down the list. At No10 was "other". I don't think I've ever been annoyed by other but clearly some travellers have.

I've never really experienced No9 either. This was what the pollsters referred to as "a loved-up couple" which sneaked in just ahead of "a nervous flyer" at No8.

I can identify with No7 and am a little surprised it didn't earn a higher place - "a too-chatty person".

"Hello, delighted to meet you. I'm Hazel Winthrop from Iowa and I'm on my way to visit my sister in Birmingham - that's the UK Birmingham, not the US Birmingham - who has not been at all well recently, what with the goitre and the bladder problems and having lost her husband quite recently, so I'm going over to cheer her up, which I'm sure you'll agree is what family members should do... blah ... blah ... blah."

And that's before she has even fastened her seatbelt.

One place higher than Hazel Winthrop of Iowa was "a stag party". Now, exactly how a stag party sits in the seat next to you I shudder to think but I can imagine being annoyed by it.

Some overlap in the next two: coming in at No5, "a child" and No4, "a baby". The cut-off point between the two is probably the ability to walk. The baby can't walk but, boy, can it cry and can it poop.

At No3, "a drunk person". Yes, I can identify with this one after sitting next to two loud, foul-mouthed, intoxicated Kiwis (the upper case K came grudgingly there) on a flight to Paris once. After a complaint from a nearby Australian passenger, seconded by me, they were refused further beverage service but they promised to "get" me when the plane landed.

At No1, with almost twice as many votes as No2 and way more than even the pooping baby, "someone with bad body odour".

You know from earlier columns that I like to present balanced views and that rigorous research is a forte of mine so I found another survey which presents the top few peeves of flight stewards/stewardesses.

They find it annoying and insulting when you ignore the safety demonstration and their other instructions during the flight.

They also find it annoying when they are trying to serve you and you continue listening to your headphones.

Bad manners in general rated highly: regarding flight attendants as subservient, never saying please and thank you and, believe it or not, cutting fingernails and toenails in the cabin AND THEN leaving the keratin missiles where they land.

So I suggest you do not offend in any of those ways. If you do, your steward may be tempted to change your seat allocation so you are next to a smelly, overweight, intoxicated, over-chatty guy with a screaming, pooping baby.