Columnist Vaughan Gunson: Oh the humidity ....

There's no humour in humidity ....

I'd like to declare a citizen-initiated civil emergency. Is there such a thing?

Probably not, but there should, because I've had enough, I cannot cope with these extreme levels of humidity.

I'm writing this by an open window in the evening, and I'm dripping with perspiration. I mean, I'll be the first to claim that tapping out words on a laptop is hard work, but I'm not sure under normal circumstances I should be working up a sweat.

The humidity level has been 100 per cent all day.

Even at work, with the air conditioning unit doing it's best, it's been decidedly uncomfortable.

Yet even that was a relief to people coming in the door, with looks of joy on their faces as they lingered in the cooler air, before returning to the soup-like conditions outside.

When it comes to heat, my workplace productivity takes a real dive.

Forget being high at work, or inefficient use of email, the biggest threat to New Zealand's productivity ― which should be worrying our business leaders ― is increased instances where humidity approaches 100 per cent.

Global warming, I'm warning you, is going to affect worker productivity big time. Be very worried.

Though if I had my way, in cases of extreme humidity, we wouldn't be at work or school anyway.

When temperatures rise and humidity levels reach 99 per cent we should be able to get up from the desk, down tools, and do something sensible, like lying in a paddling pool, or sprawling naked on a bed.

Businesses with air conditioning would save on their electricity bill.

Those without might as well be closed, because costly mistakes are probably being made as brain function declines to something just above a walking amoeba.

Schools, where air conditioning rarely gets beyond the principal's office and into classrooms (in public schools at least), should shut.

Teaching science in conditions of extreme humidity to 30 Year 11 kids wearing polyester uniforms ― you might as well be wrapping them in clear plastic and warming them on a rotisserie ― is not going to go well.

Concede defeat, show them the door.

We need to get civilised about this.

One of Northland's MPs should draft a Private Member's Bill that sets in place a law that says we leave work and school when humidity levels reach 99 per cent and the temperature is over 25 degrees.

It won't affect all of the country the same. The South Island workforce will be less at risk. Humidity isn't the same problem in Wellington, with all that wind, so the wheels of government would keep turning.

Though, on reflection, the imbalance of those affected might mean a Private Member's Bill would struggle to get the support of enough MPs.

So we'd probably be better off going for a law update through the Northland Regional Council. I'm sure this could come under the council's responsibility to mitigate the effects of global warming.

Just think how deliciously this would play out in the national media when Northland workers and school children went home due to humidity.