Forget rogue pigdogs, Psa and Hi-Cane spray drift. The biggest dangers on the streets of Te Puke these days may well be blokes with yellow and black eye-patches, waving cutlasses and growling "ahoy there matey!".
Te Puke Sports, formerly United Pirates, have been press-ganging anyone who crosses their path as an
injury crisis swamps the club's premier side.
The latest to walk the plank-laden bench was former Steamers fullback Jarrod McKeown, who retired with 203 games for the club more than four years ago.
The 39-year-old McKeown, somewhat relieved, didn't get on in Saturday's 19-17 win over Opotiki, though it was a close-run thing. He was warming up vigorously within 10 minutes of kick-off when centre Gideon Uelese went down with a knee injury, though returned eagerly to the bench when the midfielder gingerly rejoined the fray.
It's not that McKeown would've disgraced himself - far from it, in fact. It's just that the options are running out. His former Steamers teammates, Rameka Poihipi and Andy Miller, both leaning heavily into their 30s, weren't so lucky. Poihipi played a full and robust game at wing, while Miller came on to steady fraying nerves late in the second spell.
It's getting so bad, crowd numbers are plummeting at Murray Salt Stadium - everyone's too scared they'll end up playing. Assistant coach Craig Jeffries gave his boots away a couple of weeks back just so he had an alibi, while head coach Jeremy Cotter reckons he's aged so much this season, he couldn't get a run in Golden Oldies.
But while the backline shuffles along without injured players such as Simon Rolleston, Hugo Bernard and Brett McLeod, at least one thing remains constant.
Te Puke's pack, ridiculously young in comparison to their bench, continues to impress, led by big-hearted No 8 Ryan Lambert.
"The average age in our forward pack is around 20 - most of them should still be playing Colts," 21-year-old Lambert said. "It's great for the future but at the same time bringing those old guys on is crucial. We had more caps on the bench today than we did in the whole starting line-up and they showed what control they can have when they came on in the second half."
Opotiki are a similar team in that they're unspectacular but effective. They too have got a superb No 8 in Matt Henwood, while Te Amo Wilbore at fullback looks as if he could jink through a plate-glass window without a scratch.
By halftime, they'd built up a 17-11 lead, with prop Joseph Howe, lock Kevin Waterson and halfback Hasley Moore - after a wonderful 50m break - all scoring tries.
Wilbore should've sealed things within 10 minutes of the restart but he knocked on with the line in sight. Instead, Nick McCashin, looking sharp at first-five despite just returning from injury, kicked a penalty and broke soon after. Replacement halfback Craig Donovan carried the movement forward, then Lambert sealed things with the try to make it 19-17.
McCashin looms as an important player for Bay of Plenty this season - he's a quality first-five with the added string of being an adept fullback. The other Te Puke player to impress was second-five Ben Ward.
Forget rogue pigdogs, Psa and Hi-Cane spray drift. The biggest dangers on the streets of Te Puke these days may well be blokes with yellow and black eye-patches, waving cutlasses and growling "ahoy there matey!".
Te Puke Sports, formerly United Pirates, have been press-ganging anyone who crosses their path as an
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