Please give a big Bay of Plenty clap-and-tickle for Barbra Balls-Up!
During the month of Movember, Will Johnston will tackle the key issues affecting men's health.
Ladies and queens, allow me to introduce to you the newest (ageing) queen in the Bay, the gangliest beauty (debatable) you've seen.
Maybe ever!
Coming in at 6ft 4, all limbs and lashes, this specimen puts the tall in temperamental and the nut in nutrient deficient.
Please give a big Bay of Plenty clap-and-tickle for Barbra Balls-Up!
If there was ever an excuse for a real man to shave off his moustache halfway through Movember, it's to get all made up as a drag queen by his girlfriend and have a bunch of pics taken.
I've been given a bit of new perspective on what it means to be a 'man' over the last couple of weeks.
Movember is all about men's health. Part of being a healthy person, let alone man, is expressing yourself, being honest with who you are and not being negatively judged for that.
I personally don't have a ravenous thirst for all things 'fem' that can only be quenched by gluing down my ginger bushy man brows, whacking on some fake lashes and prancing round in a kimono with socks for boobs.
But my girlfriend is a makeup artist and is currently studying special effects. She needed a model for 'drag week'. So Barbra was born.
The point is, if I did have a thirst for drag and dressing up in any way, that would be totally ok.
Also, that would be totally MANLY.
When we say men's health, how often do we relate that to anything other than a grunting beer-swiller at the pub - having been a full and regular participant in that type of manliness.
Though I've really had my eyes opened (literally: fake lashes really make them pop guys) over this month so far as to what 'manly' really is.
It's MANLY to be who you really are and talk about whatever is going on with you.
When you're a man sitting in a chair getting your contouring, eyeliner and fake brows painted on for three hours a few things go through your head. Especially if it's your first time.
Though I would not describe those thoughts (or me) as virginal!
The problem is, New Zealand really is still so virginal in attitude when it comes what makes a 'man' or anything to do with men's sexuality/preferences. We are not so much innocent, more head-in-the-sand, not wanting to wake up to the real world and moving with it. We are so behind so many parts of the world, it's disappointing.
Did I have the balls to walk down the street all made up in drag?
Only biologically.
In every other way, no, no I did not. Why is that?
It's because I was scared. I was scared of the judgement of conservative old-school Tauranga/NZ.
I was scared of being laughed at by them, or filmed and put online. (Ironic considering that's exactly where this column and photo are ending up.)
Imagine how brave someone who does that regularly must be. It's sad they have to be so brave to be them.
Don't get me wrong, I 'dragged' it up for my girlfriend's classmates, and for myself, putting on an accent and speaking in a whisper.
That's fine. I like to perform, I like to go with a moment.
But I was not man enough to take that to the streets I walk down and broadcast to every day.
It made me realise even more that I already did that a male in New Zealand who decides that drag is for them, or a gay man who is out and proud, or a male who identifies as a female (or vice versa), or gender fluid, or basically anyone who is not 'the norm' is probably much more of a 'man' than I am and maybe ever will be.
Because being a 'man', when you boil it right down to what's under the frock and suspenders, is really about having the confidence to be who you are. Judged or not.
More than that, be who you are right now, even if that changes day to day.
Someone said to me it was nice of me to go there and be a model for her.
I don't see it that way. Nor does Barbra!
I see it as a great opportunity to actually try to take a step in someone else's heels.
Whether you were born as a man, identify as a man, or are a man identifying as a woman, a man transitioning to be a woman, or a woman transitioning to be a man. Or a man who likes to dress up in women's clothing.
What is healthy is being who you are.
Movember is about the health of all humans.
- Will Johnston is the local 9am-3pm host for The Hits Bay of Plenty 95FM. He's also a celebrant and MC. Follow Will on Instagram on @radiowill.