Tauranga couple’s journey to parenthood through embryo donation: ‘More than we could have hoped for’

Tauranga-based Anna Keogh and her husband Kyle welcomed their two daughters Tasia Belle and Aeisha Tilly thanks to embryo donors. Photo / Maree Wilkinson.

There’s a very special kind of poignancy wrapped around Mother’s Day for Anna Keogh. The emotion is immense for this woman who’d started to believe she’d never be a mum and then found out, on Mother’s Day eight years ago, that she was pregnant, thanks to the extraordinary generosity of another couple.

Parenthood for Tauranga-based Anna and husband Kyle has come courtesy of embryo donation – a blessing at the end of a long journey fraught with many emotional hurdles. They have two daughters with names that speak of that time – Tasia Belle, 7, which means “beautiful resurrection”, and Aeisha Tilly, 4, meaning “alive and well, glorious in battle”.

It has been quite the fight, beginning the day they were told Kyle’s sperm count made conception unlikely and IVF a possibility. But then, more tests later, those plans were dashed also when they were categorically told that Kyle’s sperm, while having all the DNA in place, could not be used for IVF. There was a 0% chance they could have their own genetic children.

“Nothing can prepare you for that news,” shares Anna. “It’s an unforgettable time when everything turned a shade of grey, when I thought, ‘It’s the same feeling as death, this grief.’”

Anna and Kyle became parents to Aeisha Tilly (left), and Tasia Belle with the help of a couple who donated their embryos. Photo / Maree Wilkinson.

Anna and Kyle spent years flip-flopping around the sperm-donor idea. Anna was keen, but Kyle wasn’t. Would he be able to bond with a child that was genetically Anna’s but not his?

Anna recalls those days clearly. They’re right up there with “the worst days”.

“We felt ripped off and angry,” she says. “And I became cold and hard inside.

“I acted like I was handling it, but if you saw me on my own with my emotions, you’d know I wasn’t. I felt really alone and probably quite depressed because I didn’t know how to process this grief or who to talk to. I’d just sit and cry – I couldn’t do it any more.”

She says her feelings of depression and negativity created a disconnect in her relationship with Kyle. Appreciating how much it meant to his wife, though not 100% comfortable, Kyle eventually agreed to get their names on the sperm-donor list. They knew it was likely to involve a lengthy wait.

Anna recognised this was a big step in the right direction, but those childless years remained hard and there was no quick fix.

She talks about withdrawing from friendships when her mates had kids and not being able to “pull myself together enough” to attend baby showers or children’s birthday parties.

These days, Anna works within a brand, design and copy business named Twixt, which she and Kyle own. (Kyle is also a Tautoko Mai Sexual Harm Support lead.) But back then, when wrestling with her childless state, Anna worked for a charity that went into primary schools.

Recalls Anna, “I took that job as I couldn’t escape the fact I wanted to be around children. For a couple of years, I gave it my all and loved it. But in the background, this sadness would lurk. As hard as it was, I decided to resign from a perfect job because my pain had overcome me.”

After learning they were genetically unable to have children, Anna and Kyle were gifted embryos by another couple. Photo / Maree Wilkinson

Anna wrote a Facebook post explaining why she was leaving.

“I was honest and transparent, letting everyone know exactly how I was feeling about not being able to have kids,” she says. “Little did I know this was the catalyst for the most amazing journey.”

Anna and Kyle were contacted by a “courageous” couple – Amy and Mike de Vetter – who had three children (two via IVF) and frozen embryos. In New Zealand, embryos must be used by the biological parents, discarded, donated to science/research or gifted to another couple.

While the de Vetters felt their family was complete, they believed their three remaining embryos were little lives deserving a chance. They’d been searching for the right couple, and felt for Kyle and Anna’s infertility heartache.

Tells Anna, “It was an immediate connection – we had similarities in our beliefs, passions and talents. The journey toward us having their three ‘frozen chosen’ began.

“For the first time in this whole journey, we felt peace and even got excited. Hope arose in me again.”

It was well placed, with two of the three embryos surviving to become their precious daughters. It was on Mother’s Day 2017 that Anna, then 34, learnt she was to become a mum.

When Tasia was born, Anna recalls it being hard to grasp the enormity of it all.

“I just sat up all night and stared at her,” she recalls. “And then the joy kicked in.”

Three years later, Aeisha doubled that joy.

While the de Vetters now live in the UK, the families remain in touch. All the children have been told their special sibling story.

“We have these precious girls with us, but we are part of a bigger family too,” tells Anna, who appreciates her journey to motherhood isn’t for everyone.

And yes, she still feels sad she and Kyle were unable to have their own genetic children.

But there’s the “immensity of the blessing” they received.

Says Anna, “We got almost more than we could have hoped for. It’s a bigger story than just us. How lucky we are to have this joy.”