And screeds of people will reply with their own anecdotes to guide the original writer into undertaking what they believe is the best way forward.
Many will share tactics they’ve learned in therapy such as grey rocking (being as boring as a grey rock and divulging no personal information), setting boundaries, detachment, and reducing levels of contact.
It’s absorbing, at least to me anyway. And I’m not alone – these forums attract hundreds of posts a day, and those posts in turn can each attract hundreds of comments.
I reckon a big part of their popularity is that reading about other people’s problems gives us a sense of control over our own fates. It’s like we can tell ourselves: “I saw that red flag from a mile away. I would have handled it differently. I’d never find myself in that situation.”
Reading these stories, though, it’s apparent just how easy it can be to get sucked into an unhealthy relationship dynamic and not even realise it.
One common tactic used by abusers to lure their partner/family member/boss/friend into a dysfunctional relationship is known as “love bombing”.
Love bombing consists of making over-the-top displays of generosity, affection and attention.
Picture someone you’ve been on five dates with taking you to a high-end restaurant, buying the most expensive bottle of wine, presenting you with a diamond necklace, telling you you’re their soulmate and they can’t imagine life without you, that you’re the most beautiful person in the entire world, and insisting on getting you a bottle of water for the drive home despite you protesting that you really, truly, honestly do not want one.
On the surface, that person seems like a catch - generous, thoughtful and caring.
Even though you may be a little skeeved out by how over-the-top it was, you may decide to go out with them again because you’re flattered someone wants to give you that kind of attention, even if it made you a little uncomfortable.
As Psychology Today describes it, love bombing is a pattern of overly affectionate behaviour that can include showering the other person with gifts and/or compliments, declaring love early on, and/or taking steps to remain in constant contact and spend increasing amounts of time together.
“[Love bombing is] a deliberate and manipulative tactic that is displayed in order to gain the upper hand over a new partner and increase his or her dependence on the bomber ... it is often attributed to individuals who are high in narcissism or other anti-social traits, or those who engage in domestic violence.”
That’s right; gifts, compliments and lovey-dovey text messages can be signs of an abuser. Not always, of course, but they are a warning sign.
And how many people would treat it as such?
It’s the kind of behaviour that leads people to forgive their partners for terrible acts in the future, too.
“My partner is wonderful in every single way. I’m woken every morning with a cup of coffee and an ‘I love you’. It’s so sweet. Last week my partner got really angry at me because I didn’t give him a heads-up that I was working late. He called me some terrible names and snapped my phone in half.
“But in the morning, he was so sorry, made me breakfast in bed and told me he’d take me to the shop to buy an even better phone. I’m so lucky.”
It’s crazy how often variations of my fake example above play out in relationship forums. It’s not always spouses either; it can be relatives, in-laws, colleagues or friends.
It’s scary. I mean, I’d like to think I’d be wise to tactics like this but I’ve (thankfully, luckily) never been in a position to test the theory first-hand.
And it’s why it’s important that children and teenagers are taught about healthy relationships from a young age, particularly those ones that may not have had any positive examples of such relationships in their own lives.
I applaud Ōtūmoetai College student Robert Unsworth for his initiative in creating an awareness campaign in local high schools.
“I really went down a rabbit hole of finding all the statistics and all these scary stories on family violence in New Zealand. I feel like lots of people don’t really know the true extent of it,” the 18-year-old said.
I’d say he’s right. Abuse has this aura of shame surrounding it; blaming the victim for not leaving or not standing up for themselves, and failing to recognise the whys and hows of how it happened in the first place.
Knowledge is a powerful tool. Let’s use it to arm our young people and prevent future victimisation.
Covert abuse tactics
- Love bombing at the beginning of a relationship to draw you in
- Gaslighting/distorting reality
- The silent treatment
- Confusion and word-twisting
- Both playing the victim and accusing the victim of being the abuser
- Blame-shifting and guilt-tripping
- Subtle non-verbal put-downs like eye rolling and sighs
- Diverting and evading issues
- Denying/minimalising/rationalising their actions
- Dismissing your feelings
- Lying by omission
- Feigning ignorance/poor memory
- Fake or total lack of empathy
- Devaluation
- Intermittent reinforcement
- Secretiveness
- Image management and development of ‘flying monkeys’ who will believe them rather than you
- Counselling Directory UK.
How to get help
If you’re in danger now:
• Phone the police on 111 or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you. • Run outside and head for where there are other people. Scream for help so your neighbours can hear you. • Take the children with you. Don’t stop to get anything else. • If you are being abused, remember it’s not your fault. Violence is never okay.
Where to go for help or more information: • Women’s Refuge: Crisis line - 0800 REFUGE or 0800 733 843 (available 24/7) • Shine: Helpline - 0508 744 633 (available 24/7) • It’s Not Ok: Family violence information line - 0800 456 450 • Shakti: Specialist services for African, Asian and Middle Eastern women and children. Crisis line - 0800 742 584 (available 24/7) • Ministry of Justice: For information on family violence • Te Kupenga Whakaoti Mahi Patunga: National Network of Family Violence Services • White Ribbon: Aiming to eliminate men’s violence towards women.
How to hide your visit:
If you are reading this information on the Herald website and you’re worried that someone using the same computer will find out what you’ve been looking at, you can follow the steps at the link here to hide your visit. Each of the websites above also has a section that outlines this process.
Sonya Bateson is a writer, reader and crafter raising her family in Tauranga. She is a millennial who enjoys eating avocado on toast, drinking lattes and defying stereotypes. As a sceptic, she reserves the right to change her mind when presented with new evidence.
