SEX TALK: Talking is not only way to communicate

She doesn't communicate.
This commonly heard complaint is a fallacy. We cannot prevent ourselves from communicating - even total silence can say something very powerful. Our tone of voice, the look on our faces, our body stance, any behaviour including not doing something: all give out powerful messages constantly, whether we want it to or not.
Given the huge popularity of emailing and texting we can take it that the basic human need of being 'in touch' is still found desirable and is widely sought.
So it's surely in our best interests to use the full power of our in-born human forms of communication to enhance our loving, both in what we can receive and what we can give.
Texting even more than emailing offers instant gratification. Being able to bear the tension of 'not knowing' may be in danger of becoming a lost art. However, both are valid and valuable ways of quickly and cheaply communicating a verbal message.
It's just that they're not our only ones. In this time of burgeoning high technology let's not overlook the superb complexity of what we are all naturally endowed with - bodies and souls capable of sending messages more powerful than a cell-phone or pc.
First let's acknowledge that expert advice on making relationships work has tended to elevate verbal communication over other forms.
That's hard on those for whom this art form does not come naturally.
There are many forms of communicating love and it's important that we don't overlook the value of all the others which can include such practical acts as cooking meals, mowing the lawns, earning money, picking up the dry-cleaning.
Touch can also be a very effective way of communicating love when both parties can clearly differentiate between sexual touching and non-sexual.
Looks, smiles and emotional support are other vehicles for expressing love that may be wordless.
The danger of using exclusively non-verbal ways of communicating your love is that if you never explain in words quite what it is that you're intending then it may be overlooked or misunderstood.
So it is in the interests of the inarticulate to push themselves to make simple statements like "When I cook dinner for you that's my way of giving you my love.
I want to do that because you're special to me." Not necessarily easy but worth the effort when it can transform basic food into a meaningful event.
Couples who seek relationship help are often seeing destructive verbal communication patterns occurring between them but they identify them as lineal events. He does this, then I respond by doing that, then he ... In other words if only the partner could do this and this differently then all would be well.
In reality these patterns are dynamics best described as circular systems. For every nagger there's someone who isn't listening and responding with empathy.
There would be no need to keep repeating yourself if you felt heard and understood. Who started the process? That's a chicken and egg question better replaced with questions about how to end the pattern.
No one wants to listen to a nagger, no one enjoys being shut out, both need to change their behaviour and there is no point waiting for the other to do it first. Confront yourself for the sake of your own integrity. Any attempt to force a partner to change is only likely to encourage them to dig in their heels.
It's always useful to put yourself in your partner's shoes and look at an issue from their perspective. Identify your own communication issues and take responsibility for them.
That will sound like "I've been feeling distanced from you lately and I miss your cuddles. I'm going to ask for a hug every time I think about it. Hope that's okay with you."
Rather than "I'm sick to death of you coming home from work exhausted and flopping on the couch in front of TV."
Intimate relationships are complex beasts that no one ever teaches us how to tame.
Robyn Salisbury is a Clinical Psychologist and Director of Sex Therapy New Zealand, a referral network. Ph 0800 sex therapy (0800 739843) www.sextherapy.co.nz