Richard Moore: Human touch lost in the queue

One of the best things about modern phones is they are pretty streamlined and fly through the air with the greatest of ease.

Well, maybe not ease, as it can take a bit of power to launch said communications device out the door and over the back fence (taking time to aim so as to avoid the neighbour, his kids, cat, dog and an escaped budgie).

But fly they do when our modern-day need to get things done quickly runs head on into automated answering systems.

They come in many forms - some where you have to enter numbers to get where you want, others where you talk to the ghost in the machine to hopefully find a human somewhere.

One of the most efficient is the tax department's system where you can speak or use the number menu to connect with a person. It lets you know the wait time and takes your number so it can call you back. You don't lose your place in the queue and it's easy peasy. However, I'm no fan of their most recent "improvement", which is to ask for my voice print so that will ID me better. It is for security, the voice says.

No way Jose, that's just another big step on the path to Big Brotherland.

Now have you noticed how most banks and other organisations don't have direct numbers for their branches any more?

It is all done through a central answering office and I find it really annoying. As is being told your call will be recorded for "training purposes".

When I make a business phone call, I want someone to answer. The now-endangered receptionist is a fast and efficient way to find out what people want.

Instead you get:

"Hello, welcome to Robot Voices Incorporated, we value your call (but not enough to have a real person answer).

"If you know the extension of the person you are after please dial it now."

Well, Mr Alec Tronic, if I knew it I probably would have dialled it. Just hurry up and give me the number to press. Ignoring my comments, the earless voice continues.

"If you are a new customer please dial 1."

Aha, you can bet new customers get answered first so I press 1 and get a sub-menu with a list of other things to choose from.

I wait for two minutes to find out if there is a number to go back to the original message board. Only there isn't, so I have to hang up.

"Hello, welcome to Robot Voices Incorporated, we value your call ... If you know the extension of the person you are after please dial it now."

Sigh.

"If you are a new customer please dial 1."

Double sigh.

"If you have an account enquiry please dial 2."

Well, I have, but maybe there's another number to push that is better suited to what I want. So I'll wait.

"If you would like someone to answer a technical question please dial 3."

Ummm, I don't think it's technical ... I'll need to hear more options.

"If you have an account number please key it in now."

Oh, heck, what's the number?

"If you have an account number please key it in now."

Yes, yes, yes I'm trying to find it ...

"I'm sorry, your call is now being terminated."

Another of the great things about modern phones is that you can stab the digits with your finger as you redial.

"Hello, welcome to Robot Voices Incorporated, we value your call ... If you know the extension of the person you are after please dial it now ... If you are a new customer please dial 1 ... If you have an account enquiry please dial 2 ... If you would like someone to answer a technical question please dial 3 ... If you have an account number please key it in now."

Right. I have it. Here we go. Stab, stab, stab, stabbidy, stab, stab. Oh crikey, did it tell me to use a hash key at the end?

Oh here goes ... stabbing hash key now.

Click.

By now you have the whole message system off by heart, which is great as you don't even hear the seemingly interminable lines of electronic greeting until it clicks to ... "If you require an operator please dial 5."

Five is stabbed. Gently, but with malice.

A bubbly human voice answers. Anger melts away.

"Hi," I say, "can you put me through to the department that deals with those annoying voices on automatic checkouts at supermarkets?"

"I'm sorry sir, I don't know of anyone dealing with that. I'll just put you back to our main call menu."

"Hello, welcome to Robot Voices Incorporated, we value your call ...

Well done to all the pupils and staff of Mount Maunganui College who won this year's Auckland Stage Challenge.

The college won three years ago with their performance on the Tangiwai disaster and this year they swarmed north to put on To Bee or not to Bee - a look at the deadly danger our bee population is in.

Fantastic effort!

Richard Moore is an award-winning Western Bay journalist and photographer.

richard@richardmoore.com