There are thousands of Ashley Madison users in the Bay of Plenty.
Oh, you naughty people. Yes, you, the ones who have accounts with extra-marital affair dating service Ashley Madison.
My, my, there are a lot of you in the Bay of Plenty.
Thousands, in fact.
Read more: Thousands in Bay caught in Ashley Madison scandal
And here I was thinking that affairs are supposed to be secret, but there you all are splashed across the front pages of newspapers around the globe, courtesy of hackers who have released the account details of millions of cheaters and would-be cheaters.
There are 3426 users in Tauranga, which, I have to say, astounds me.
Who would have thought in boring old Tauranga there would be so many folk who were seeking a bit on the side?
Te Puke has 246, Omokoroa 60, Whangamata 50 users (must be ex-Aucklanders), 130 in Katikati (tsk, tsk) and 83 in Waihi. Waihi Beach shows up as having 20 members and there are 15 in Te Puna.
Even little old Pongakawa has 20.
Are there actually 20 people in Pongakawa?
Intrigued by the whole online cheating situation, I went to the Ashley Madison website and had a bit of a nosy.
The first thing I noticed was the wording under the site's name.
It said: "Life is short. Have an affair."
Then I saw something that had me thinking the website was way out of date.
It said: "Over 39,170,000 anonymous members!"
Clearly that should now be "Over 39,170,000 formerly anonymous members!"
And it also states: "Ashley Madison is the world's leading married dating service for discreet [in red] encounters."
I'm thinking they need to add "in" before the discreet on the updated page.
I shouldn't laugh, as there will be millions of people worldwide whose marriages and relationships are about to hit the fan.
And I'm not a lawyer ... but, boy, it would be worth being one, or married to one, at the moment, as divorces are likely to skyrocket.
Then again, you can guarantee there will be lawyers among those named.
And doctors, and teachers and journalists ...
My name and details will not be among them, you will be pleased to know, as I am far too in love with my good lady to cheat on her and I'm not dumb enough to do something so secretive over the internet - the greatest communications device ever invented.
I wonder if the website's users considered they were entering some pretty rich stuff within an environment that was designed to spread information globally?
Ah well, I don't really have much sympathy for those doing the wrong things by their partners, but I wouldn't back those releasing such information either.
Have a go at websites that organise these trysts if you don't like what they do, but the hackers should have thought about the lives that will certainly be ruined because of their revelations.
Anyway, back to Ashley Madison. She wants my status.
Okay, attached male seeking female. Up pops a window into which I am asked to put my details.
What are the height options? Oh 4ft 6in to 7ft tall. Crikey that's a good range.
And weight? An almost invisible 36kg (must be a joke, no adult could weigh that little) up to a balumba-esque 136kg. Heck I hope those two weights never get together!
Ethnicity is next, with the usual suspects.
You are also asked for the limits of the fling you want to have. Something long term, short term, cyber-erotic, whatever excites, undecided or anything goes.
Before signing up (not really), I read the small print.
"To help you have a successful affair, Ashley Madison and its affiliated entities will periodically notify you of potential matches in your area, new matches you've received, changes to the service and other services that may be of interest to you. We will never share or sell your email address with any other organization or individual."
Ah well, gotta go, I'm off for a drive. Now how do I get to Pongakawa?