"In the interests of authenticity, we will require team members, including the non-Polynesian minority, to acquire tattoos for next season," he says. He pooh-poohs suggestions that getting tattooed is a long and exhausting process. "We have purchased a painless option - a high-quality range of transfers that players can choose from the night before a match. The options include "Kiss me quick"and "My old man's a dustman."
Jones was unwilling, however, to say much about what we understand is regarded by England as a potential coup de grace.
It seems that they remain concerned at the advantage that they see the All Blacks deriving from the haka. Work is well advanced on an English equivalent - something that will intimidate opponents and gain a psychological advantage for England.
Jones was dismissive of earlier efforts made by other teams to counter the haka. In particular, he poked fun at the occasional Australian use of Waltzing Matilda in trans-Tasman matches. "No one is going to be too terrified of a single guy strumming a guitar and singing a song about a dancing sheila," he scoffed.
We understand that the first effort at an English haka focused on the Morris dance. After several practices in secret, however, this idea was junked. "The tinkling bells, pretty ribbons, and skipping steps didn't quite do it," according to one well-placed observer (thought to be Joe Marler who, it is reported, didn't feel that it was quite him), "and it took us 20 minutes to change out of our gear when we had finished and into our playing strip."
We understand on good authority that the current plan is to do the hokey-cokey. "Performed by large men, singing loudly and scowling, it will, we think, produce the right effect," says the same well-placed authority. "Putting your left leg in and then your left leg out in unison can seem very impressive and intimidating. And, like the haka, it has a cultural history - it's a real statement of English resolve."
More work is needed however. It seems that the front row are having difficulty in distinguishing their left legs from their right legs and several serious injuries have been suffered as the players knock into each other. "The overall effect is a shambles," according to one report. "The only conceivable advantage of performing it would be in the hope of rendering our opponents weak with laughter."
Jones, though, is not deterred. "This is an ideal way to breed team spirit and to teach our overseas players what it means to be English."
He rejected suggestions that he himself had something to learn on that score. "If I had realised years ago the advantages of a performance like this, I would never have been sacked by the Wallabies. If the England team can get this difficult technical exercise right, then the World Cup should be a piece of cake."
