Coffee and cake with death and dying chat

Katikati has a new death cafe with Gaylene Delaney. Photo / Rebecca Mauger 101122kka02.jpg

When Gaylene Delaney's great-grandmother died, she wasn't allowed to go to the funeral.

"I was told 'children don't go to funerals' and I really struggled with that," the Tauranga local says.

This was possibly the start of her interest in death and dying.

Gaylene is starting up a new death cafe in Katikati, with Robyn Wilson. They've had their first meeting and she hopes to draw more people in for the next one.

She calls herself an end-of-life doula: a non-medical person who supports someone who is dying (or their family) and looks after them holistically.

"We help people get through the process and the actual dying phase as well as grieving, or for their family. It complements what hospice already provides."

It's a natural career progression for the registered nurse who has spent years as a hospice community nurse and in mental health nursing.

But the new cafe is different. "It's a place for anyone to come and sit, drink coffee, eat cake and talk about death and dying."

The idea is to improve people's death literacy. It is not a bereavement group nor is counselling offered.

"We want to take death and dying out from behind closed doors and normalise it. I don't see death and dying as a medical event, I see it as normal natural thing that happens to all of us," Gaylene says.

"By taking that fear away by looking at it, we are living in the here-and-now because we are looking at our mortality which makes us appreciate our lives more."

Even though we're talking about death and dying, we are talking about living as well.

Gaylene Delaney

Many topics are covered at death cafes. Often people attend death cafes interested in the afterlife and what, if anything, happens when a person dies.

Gaylene has her own beliefs.

"I believe are there's a better place that we go to. I don't what it's called but through my experience working with hospice and after my own experiences with family dying, there's a lot of instances where you witness someone who is responding to something which is not there, that no one else can see. Often it's put down to, 'they're hallucinating, they're delirious'."

But Gaylene has also seen hallucinations from her work in mental health and it's different, she says.

When her mother was near death, she wanted to go into the garden with Gaylene, where they had a moment of appreciation of all around them.

"She was looking at the sky and smiling and she says 'coming, dear' which she used to say to my stepfather when he called her."

Gaylene says her dad also sends her messages, such as turning the TV back on after she's left the room.

Gaylene and Robyn will hold the cafes every two months. They are also run in Tauranga.
The next Katikati date is yet to be decided.

Contact info@embracelife.co.nz if you're interested in joining.

The details:
What: Katikati Death Cafe
When: Bi-monthly, to be decided
Where: Chrome Cafe