I immediately saw that last weekend's gathering in London was not so much a wedding as a lizard shapeshifters' convention.

Not familiar with that conspiracy theory? It ticks away beneath the surface of what we call everyday life, enlivens it, and enriches its creator. It's my personal favourite.

Many famous people past and present – the Clintons, Katy Perry, Angelina Jolie, the Merovingian kings and the Rothschilds among them – are or were shapeshifting reptilian humanoids who use the rings of Saturn and the Moon to broadcast the illusion that the world is really as we see it. Still with me?

The Moon itself is an artificial construct where the shapeshifters – oh, it's complicated, so let's cut to the chase: Everybody important is in it, and they want the world to be a fascist state. Four per cent of Americans believe it, and watching that gathering of the elite you just had to join in.

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The Queen was there. She's one, and so was her mother, both bloodsuckers at that. They didn't really get chunky with age; it's small eiderdowns under their outfits.

Princess Diana wasn't a lizard. She was killed because she found out the royal family's secret, and according to one mysterious source used to call them lizards and say, "they're not human".

But the real giveaways on the big day were Amal Clooney, the Duchess of Cambridge, and Victoria Beckham. Lizards the lot of them.

We're told that the three women have between them given birth to nine children, but where's the proof? Where are the floppy bosoms and visible tummies, and where the chunky thighs real human women carry around for months and years afterwards, possibly growing varicose veins as well?

All three were stick-thin. Like – obviously – lizards, which eat insects and sometimes mice. You'd be skinny too. Most lizards don't bear their young in their bodies. They lay eggs which, given time, hatch out miniature versions of themselves.

David Icke, creator of the lizard theory, is also known, modestly, as "Son of the Godhead". He will have deduced that female lizards in public life wear ever-larger cushions strapped to their fronts for the nine-month gestation of human babies, to deceive the media. This explains why lizard women are never seen without 8in heels on their stick-thin legs, which would give real pregnant women back problems.

Squint narrowly at Posh Spice and ask yourself whether that emaciated little body could stretch to carrying one baby to term, let alone four. Consider Amal, whose twins – twins! – reportedly sprang from that emaciated shell. As for the duchess, how else could you explain appearing in public with a cheery wave just a few hours after giving birth?

I think not. I think she enters a special hospital wing where her eggs hatch in an incubator. She emerges with cotton wool in her cheeks to suggest pregnancy weight gain, and a soft cushion, possibly inherited from the Queen Mother, strapped beneath her frock. They are all adept at hiding their tails, which, what with being lizards, grow again if they get stuck in a car door.

Meghan will be one of them. That's why they hit it off. Behind our backs they all speak Lizardese.

Paradoxically, the lizard shapeshifters, a.k.a. the Babylonian Brotherhood, as revealed in Icke's copious writings, are anti-Semites (remember those Rothschilds) and holocaust deniers. They are also sexist, as their name suggests. Or maybe they are all males, and lay their own eggs.

Get reading. There are 20 (self-published) books.

Start with Human Race Get Off Your Knees the Lion Sleeps No More.

It's a masterpiece. Of satire, surely.