GROWING BUSINESS: No value in mumbo jumbo

I RECENTLY attended a one-day conference in Wellington with delegates from various government ministries, some big corporates and the usual suspects from the business associations.
After stirring presentations from keynote speakers, we were asked to split into small groups, and develop strategies on how to encourage small and medium enterprises (SMEs) to become more productive.
As I am interested in the subject, I anticipated an informative discussion. It didn't turn out that way.
Each group was to select a leader to report back to the main conference after an hour.
We pulled our chairs into a circle of five people and with bewildering speed a thirtysomething busybody woman with a pinstriped power suit had selected herself as leader.
"Okay guys," she started, "we need to think outside the box here and come up with some real deliverables for this assignment. How do we get these SMEs to work smarter, not harder?"
Answering her own question she went on: "Okay, I think we need to do a brainstorm by going around the circle and listing everybody's ideas, and then select the best.
"We'll do a SWOT analysis on each item in the shortlist and I'll present our findings to the conference. And remember guys, there are no stupid ideas," she said condescendingly.
Looking down at the first person to her right - a young man who was another corporate clone - she ordered "Okay Jon, you go first."
He smoothly said: "Okay guys, we need to identify the low hanging fruit in this scenario. At the end of the day, you have to identify what core competencies they have and then make sure they have some skin in the game."
I had no idea what he actually meant but kept quiet.
Another young corporate warrior, bristling with competitiveness jumped in: "Okay guys, listen up, we are drilling down way too quick here. We need to take a helicopter view, and scope out the big picture."
He sat back, satisfied with his contribution.
A smart chunky man with a gold tie-pin, evidently from a Ministry with loads of money, said: "Okay dudes, it's completely clear to me we need a national conversation around SMEs' mission, vision, and values, and post that we will all be on the same page."
 They all looked at me expectantly.
I earnestly said: "Going forward, we are going to have negative growth in this country unless we deal with the elephant in the room.
"We all know what that is, and unless we build-in an ongoing gap analysis into our metrics, and insist on sustainable best practice across the board, there is going to be an ongoing systemic problem."
 They all looked at me admiringly, oblivious that there had hadn't been a shred of sense in my statement.
 When the time came for group presentations, with flawless confidence she repeated back the meaningless garbage our group had spouted. As this was the graveyard shift (just after lunch), she sounded strangely plausible and everybody applauded generously.
Later that afternoon as I flew into Tauranga I reflected gratefully how good it was to be getting back to practical, level-headed people who valued plain speaking.
Max Mason is chief executive of Tauranga Chamber of Commerce, which provides networking and support services for local businesses. He can be contacted on email: max@tauranga.org.nz or phone: (07) 577 9823